Ken Johnston and I emailed each other during 1998/9/2000, I've removed most of the condemning and libelous stuff - hope any readers are not offended by what remains:

24/07/1998: Johnston!!
Yes its long lost Curley... where am I?? - forever on the move!!
Weird story... here I am in Tokyo for a week - looking in a company database and it said - "System owned by Len Gore" - I thought - it has to be!! I'd worked with him a bit about 10 years ago in London and lost contact. It turned out to be himself - and he's just sent me your address. He says you're trying to get in contact with the 1900 boys - why?? Bunch of bastards I reckon!!
Anyway - I'll bore you about me..........
Living in Hong Kong for the last 4.7 years - traveling all over Asia - contracting with the best of them, and have been since 1972 - end of 1900 South Africa. Split up from Almuth about 10 years ago - still married to her but she's in Germany - and never the twain shall meet. Me - foot loose and fancy free - living with Janet - an old bat of a Filippina - trying to get some of her family money!!
More later - got to go out boozing before flying to HK tomorrow. News please - 20 years in 10 lines...............
Mike C

24 July 1998 10:05 PM
Curley by all that's Holy. Me living in Suffolk. Divorced for second time. Living with old Suffolk bat called Janet. Ran country pub for 8 years until got tired of it. Trying to get into Y2K market but found something else meantime. My daughter Claire, you remember her is pretty big in HK with her group Mango Groove from SA. They played at the exit of Patton maybe you heard them. Glad Len Gore passed on my address I am determined to get a piss up going at some time in the future. If you have any other e-mail addresses let me know please. Good to hear from you. Regards Ken -- God. This is the tenth line, not bad eh!
Ken Johnston

30/07/1998: Johnston!
Brilliant! - I've got to ask some questions and bore you with news from me.........
I can remember Jayne (Mrs. No 1) - but cannot remember Mrs. No 2??? Did I ever meet her??
The last time you and I got together was around Maidenhead/Bray - Boulters Lock - as I remember - and I'm sure you were living in Suffolk then with some unfortunate lady??
The country pub sounds great - but I'm sure it was hard work - and you in charge of booze I would have thought would have been "party - party!!" every night??
What else is there other than Y2K?? I've been sucked in - and think there must be a God because (as a crap contractor for the last 25+ years) I got paid to write most of the problems - and now I'm being paid to fix them!! Retribution is mine!!
Claire - of course I remember her - wonderful 4 year old running round a pool in Parkview?? Can't have changed I'm sure!
She may be pretty big in HK - but not where I go - they don't allow bath chairs and hearing aids into the rocking joints where she may be! Mango Groove rings bells though.... Too pissed even to see Patton leave (actually was at a barbecue on the 45th floor of a block) saw Brittania un-dock and sail off - not too emotional - as I say the affluence of incohol had taken over.
As for other email addresses, I reckon I'm (unusually) going to be fairly useless - Stoatie and Bassy are the only 2 I know - and I bet you've got them?? Oooohh - Alistair Donald?? -- Roger Fieldhouse?? Tony Hird??? Dennis Mahoney???? Mike Waller????
And - do you have any address/contact for Fred Boulton??
I'm in London for 3 days in August 7th to 10th, in and around Maida Vale - probably won't see you - too short - and I have to see both daughters of mine (Names please??- that's a good test of your old noddle - seeing as I've probably never told you their names) - who I have not seen for about 1 year. Haven't been to the UK for 3 years - wow!! Will I recognise it??
All the breast for now

MC

31/07/1998 Subject: A life in a lotta lines
Wotya Curls.
No, you never met No.2. We came back from SA together and married over here in '79. She hated the UK and went back to visit her mother in '81 who was dying of cancer and never came back.
I don't believe that I ever knew the names of your daughters, or that you were capable of such manly efforts! How old are they now? They can't have been born in SA surely. Whatever you do make sure you never lose contact with them, it is heartbreak. Claire and I had no contact for 22 years. I wrote to her when I came back to the UK on several occasions but received no reply, so I gave up. I had heard about her success in SA and I had copies of most of her CD's and the occasional magazine article and photo, but not a word or anything for all that time. Then, out of the blue, last month, she came looking for me and we had a very emotional re-union, as you can imagine.
We are now in regular e-mail contact and she is due to come back to the UK in August. She is hoping to sign a recording deal with EMI and the group have a tour of Germany planned at the end of the month. Mango Groove have been going since '87 and were the first multi racial group in SA. They became famous for their treatment of Kwela and Marabi music, very lively and melodic. Some of the lyrics were seriously anti apartheid which did not find favour in all quarters. She is quite a pal of the Boss man, Mandela, apparently. They have toured all over Asia and Europe and have a very wide following. I am very proud of her and she is really beautiful. I'll stop now as you will probably puke with all this eulogising.
You really are an old tart, not so!! First you create a problem and now you expect to be paid to fix it. Shame on you. I wouldn't mind a bit of that myself. I am signed up with ICL Dateforce 2000 but they are as useless as ever. Nothing ever changes. If you need a hand, if you have too much work, I will be happy to modify legacy systems in COBOL. If you squirt them down to me here I will fix them and squirt them back. For a large fee of course, but it would be a very jolly project. Never forget I was probably the best COBOL programmer in the world. Probably still am, so there Curley!! When I started up, with that shingle on the door in Moorga............(Sigh)
Len Gore gave me some names to contact, like Stoatey and Donald but I have not yet made the effort, not for lack of desire to do so, it just hasn't been convenient. I may do that today, if I get time. I also put a letter in Computer Weekly which trawled in a few unusual responses, some of which I have followed up, but I must sit down one weekend and get stuck in to it. I don't have any contact with Fred Boulton but I could ask Claire to see if she can trace him. He was quite a lad, not so? Did his name have a "U" in it, I'm not sure.
The pub was great and we really had some fun, although it was bloody hard work. It was in an ideal setting, a tiny hamlet near the river Stour and very much tourist and walking country, so the Public bar used to be packed for the Sunday roast with locals, walkers, dogs etc. great!! I weeded out all the undesirables, you wouldn't have made it, and for 8 years it was a fair way of life. However, the hygiene laws, beef problems, tax and the new minimum wage was going to make life increasingly difficult and we decided to get out while the going was good. While we were in the pub we bought a bolt hole, a tiny house in the deeper wilds of Suffolk, (bow and arrow country), and here we now live. The idea was to set up as a Y2K compliance man, ICL's idea, and work from my computer on projects they send me. They have never really got it off the ground, so I have capacity and to spare. In the meantime I am acting as an agent for a PLC in the area which generates the odd bob or two. I have also recently completed a consultancy job for a large outfit in Royston, which was quite rewarding, but I do want to get stuck in to the intricacies of programming once more, I have always enjoyed it.
I certainly won't be able to see you in London as I am tied up during the week at present, but hope to in the forseeable future. You can contact the following as you will or won't.
Tony Hird Tony.Hird@AniteSystems.com
Brian Lewis brian@rcp.co.uk
John Polatch 0181-818-0221
Brian Stoate 0171-860-2515
Cliff Luff 0467-278458
Alastair Donald 01433-650692
Doug Barrie 0181-576-5116
I have not made contact on the 'phone as yet as I would prefer to do so when I can arrange to meet up with the bod. But I will be doing so in the imminent future.
I have not made contact with Paul, but I have been told he is living in Monte Carlo. Stick his e-mail address in your next please and I will squirt him a note. Is he still with Anne? I stayed the night with them in '78 and she had very bad arthritis I believe.
My 'phone number is 01986-798121 mobile 0370-442588.
That's it for now. Never forget - A STOZ in time saves nine!!!!! You've probably forgotten that PLAN ever existed.
Best regards - Ken

04/08/1998: KPJ,
Wow - what a roller-coaster of a letter!!
I shall reply in sequence.........
Daughters = Britta and Inga - the apples of my eye! Thats why I stay in Asia and they in Europe. No really - they are great 25 and 23 respectively. Almuth (spit) and I returned to the UK around 1972 and Brittsy was born June '73. After the old fledermaus (bat) and I split Inga (about 15) lived with her in Hamburg, Brittsy came to live with me - not for any great reasons - its just what they wanted to do. You and Claire - no contact for so many years - that's terrible - they grow up quickly enough - but to miss all those years - sad. But great that she's doing so well - maybe she wouldn't have done so well if you had been around - it's just a thought?? Arseholes to your delicate character and fragile self-esteem (as I remember them!!). Isn't it amazing how wonderful things happen in 3's?? Claire returning last month, me - this month - and I don't know what else.
The record deal with EMI - of course you have a great 'in' there - Colin Southgate = Chairman or something??
Yes the eulogising was beginning to cause rumbles in the stomach - but it does sound well deserved.
The old Cobol programming - not much of that in the company I'm in now - but you never know. Did you hear that silly story of Bassy and his first/second boats - 1st was called COBOL 1, and the second in Binary - COBOL 10 - but people used to hail him as 'Ahoy - Cobolio' - silly.
Boulton was indeed with a U - he visited us in the UK twice, once with his daughter and once with the red-haired wife - Jean -/worked in ICL. Then lost contact with him - never mind - he'll turn up.
Suffolk life sounds dreamlike - and the wanting to get back into programming - I feel the same. I was about 3 years ago doing some PowerBuilder programming for about 12 to 18 months - very enjoyable. But since then - nothing. I was planning to take about 12 weeks off and re-learn PowerBuilder and get back into it - but this bloody Y2K stuff came up - and I just had to take it.
Thanks for all the numbers etc.. one for you:
Bassy:
Tel - 339-350-4693 or 4692 for Fax
Address - Monte Carlo Sun, 74 Bld d'Italie, MC 98000, Monaco
Mobile - 330-952-9130
London Flat - but I think Claudia (daughter) lives there mostly - 171-835-1569
email - basson_p@monaco.mc
He's now Chief Executive or Chairman or something of:
Point Software,
65, Lower Mount St.,
Dublin 2,
Ireland
Tel 353-1602-0100
Fax 353-1602-0101
www.pointinfo.com or
paul.basson@pointinfo.com
Yes he's still with Anne. Apparently she is over the Arthritis  but she's tried every sort of cure (which is admirable) but the latest which appears to work is mental. Anyway - I'm off in 4 hours - to Germany/London - nothing from me for a week or so
I do remember LDA & LDN & STO & STOZ etc - I even remember 37 (load register B) 40 (load register A) - on ICT 1300, and of course MRPE/DRPE's - with or without ALI on on the 1500!!
Have fun!
MC

17 August 1998 11:29 PM Subject: Back to the Grindstone.
Hi!!
Now you are back, I presume, so thumbs out of bums and minds out of neutral. Get tapping the keys and tell me who you met back in UK. One question you may be able to answer. You remember my PA, Angela Minchin, I heard she had married John Rosier, is that correct?? Also I never did find out what happened to Sarah Oswald. I heard rumours that she had married a doctor -is that right?? Maybe you don't know, you never did know much!!
Just had another e-mail from Len, he is at his holiday home in Spain.
Colin Southgate and I were daggers drawn from the first day we met at Putney Bridge house until he arrived in finance region.  He is in trouble now though, he had a rough ride at the shareholders meeting at EMI last week.
Glad to know the fruit of your loins still hold their doting parent in high regard. It must show some lack of character in the poor children, to be expected I suppose. Do you see them both from time to time? I hope so. I regret missing that huge slice of Claires life. The fact she turned out so well is due to the genes, dear boy, and don't kid yourself of anything else. This is good breeding stock sitting at this Qwerty keyboard I assure you. Only the best and there's still plenty of life in the old dog.
I remember the tall, red head that Boutlon used to see. She was a nurse I believe. Things start to come back. I spoke to Stoatey on the phone last week and the sound of his voice brought back memories of the good old Sunnyside Park. Is he still with Yvonne?
Thank's for Bassy's number, I will drop him a line. I recall one of the first times I met you, you were an operator at Putney Bridge and I was running a demo I had programmed for the Zurich Insurance Co. Every time you flashed across the console with elaborate, histrionic gestures like J sp Addr Addr all the buttons popped out of the console. Things were so bad that I wrote the program to read cards to tape, but sort another pre prepared tape in case the card reader broke down, which it always did. Only the Zurich DP manager spotted what I was doing and he was in on the plot. We got the business, God knows how. We used to run plenty of demos with ALI on, no error!!!
That's it for now. All the Best.
Ken.....

18/08/1998: KPJ,
Yes yes - jet-setter is back - 2 nights in Frankfurt, 3 nights in London. Stayed with Daughter number 1 - and number 2 is staying there during summer break. We determined that the Friday I arrived - all 4 of us (Almuth (spit!), numbers 1 and 2 and me) - were all earning money. Is this the beginning of a great financial turnaround?? Will Curley no longer have to support and finance the to-ings and fro-ings of his errant kids?? Probably not - too much to ask for!!
Anyway - I had a good time -wasn't the weather good? The only people I saw were the Stoatey's. And yes he is still with Vonnie. Taxied down from Maida Vale to his eldest daughter's flat in Wandsworth - he and Vonn arrived, chit-chat, out to lunch - 4 hours later, poor old Vonn was put to bed - she says it was an ear infection but it looked like the booze to me. Very enjoyable, they're both fatter than they should be - and put it down to a recent Sicilian holiday - 2.5 stones gained between them.
As to Angela Minchin  - never knew what happened to her. Didn't she and her mum live somewhere round the back of 'rods? - but the Rosier connection - never heard about. I don't honestly think I ever saw Sarah, after SA - but the marrying a doctor bit - I definitely did hear.
Yes I remember the Southgate/KPJ history - best left in the past - you're right.
Yes - daughters are wonderful!! I can remember when they were about 6 and 8, and a little friend of theirs was being delivered to the house by her mum. Almuth (spit!), the au-pair, me and 1 & 2 were standing there, shaking hands saying hello, welcome etc... and number 1 said to the little arrival - "this is my dad....don't take notice of anything he says - he always talks rubbish!" Which I'm sure some posy English parents would hate - but I really thought it was sensible, true and very insightfull of the little darling! They've been out to HK 2 or 3 times, we've met up in Thailand a couple of times, and we all went Skiing near Vancouver last year. So yes I do get to see them a bit - but really - not as much as I should - perhaps 1 full week every year - not much is it??
Jean - that was her name - the red-head of Boulton. She was in ICL Braamfontein for a while - and then I can't remember what. Sunnyside Park - I'd forgotten all about it. But now you mention it - what good times. I also remember The Rand International - coffee shop - Geschnetzletes mit Rosti, also Cafe Mozart in Illovo, and of course - what was the name of the smooth 5 star hotel, where we used to wine and dine?? Was it lunches around 2nd 3rd floor and evening drinks on the top floor - just down from Braamfontein - cannot remember its name.
Yes that was me - at Putney - presumably I saved the day by getting the demo to work?? Bloody programmers in those days didn't understand anything about the hardware - also it worked the other way - as an operator - I can remember writing a program that progressively wrote rubbish all over those bloody great Fixed disks - the program I wrote - took no account of reserved sectors etc.. just started at track 0 and rumbled on. I can remember some guys getting quite shitty about their data being over-written. PLT's - do you remember - read in the first block into 0600 - loading software/arithmetic tables etc.. from TAPE!!
News from here - I hear you ask......... well its bloody warm - summer - 32 degrees every day, and sometimes 90% humidity. Yesterday was a pubic holiday, and the old lady I live with - Auntie Janet, buggered off to Kuala Lumpur for 2 weeks business - so it was a boring/quiet weekend. I really have to zot around the Asian offices soon - but have to be in Tokyo early September - so am currently experiencing difficulty arranging. Oh busy-busy!! Y2K - what a great project!!
That'll do from me - more please..........
Curls

19 August 1998 2:08 AM - Subject: More memories

What Ho!!
Of course it was you, you black hearted B.....d, at my demo at Putney. You were behind almost everything that went wrong down there, or so Eric Housden used to tell me!!! Remember him?? Who could forget, a horror story on legs. I could write a book about the early days, I have seriously thought about it. There was one night when we had sorted out the mess of the payroll at National Employers Mutual but they couldn't get the 1500 to work in Ascot, so we did the first live run at Putney. We had parked on the other side of the bridge and at 2.00am we were walking happy, but exhausted, back across the bridge with the DP manager carrying the box of payslips, when a gust of wind blew the first hundred or so into the river. You should have heard the language.
On another occasion they had that new horrendous card reader with the ski slope and multi stacker input/output. What a monster. I was running another demo with about 3000 input cards when we realised that the cards were going in, but not coming out. The bloody machine ate the lot. Only ICL could have designed a machine that needed 5 motors, a synchro mesh gear box, a ski slope and two lift shafts to move a card enough distance to read eighty columns. They really were a crap company. But what a time that was. Men were men and computers knew it. As for PLT, we were so pushed for space, I used to use the print area and print table for data, believe it or not. I sit here with Giga bytes of disk and speeds that make the mind boggle and think back to what we had to work with then. It beggars belief.
As for Angela, yes, she was a Sloane Ranger when she lived with her mummy in a Square behind "rrods".  I believe that when she left 1900 she went to Univac where Rosier also went. Her manager was Mike Saunders, who used to be manager of ICL Poland and entertained me when I went there in '69. He and Angela got on well, it was amazing what connections she had. 
I also remember that I thought that I had killed you at one time. There was a mad firework party in Randburg and you were hurling bangers at me from the far side of a bonfire, so I lit up a Roman Candle and let you have it with a series of explosives coloured shells as you jumped up and down like a maniac on the other side of the fire. You vanished from view. I think it was Dave Lewis who said I'd hit you with one of the things, and I thought perhaps I'd blown your head off, but no such luck. Also, wasn't it you who some idiots threw into my swimming pool and caught your back on the coping. Maybe it wasn't but it certainly happened to someone. Mad days.
The hotel was the President in Eloff Street. I used to stay there before I had my flat in Hillbrow and then the house in Parkwood. I'll bet you've not forgotten the Astor in Smit Street. What an awful dump, but I still think it was better than the Urinal (Quirinal) which eventually became the halfway house. I stayed at the Astor on my first visit to J'burg and I had the room with the bullet hole in the window. What an absolutely crazy bunch we were, but we certainly had some fun and there was a camaraderie that is hard to find these days.
I don't know whether you get Sky TV out there but Claire is singing the National anthems at the Rugby matches between SA, NZ and OZ. The NZ one was last week but the OZ one is next week. Just thought I'd let you know in case you decided to watch and wonder who the lovely creature who looks like me is.
My other half is out, so it's time for me to make myself some supper. Keep up the comms they are most enjoyable.
Ta Ta for Now. Ken.

Kenneth,
You obviously haven't got anything better to do than rabbit on to me - vaguely hinting at remote and distant (probably mis-remembered) conquests. There again - I've got even less to do - so I read them!!
Housden - I can picture him now - but never really had a great deal to do with him. As I recall I started operating in Bridge House North - on 1300's under a bloke called Tim Parrish?? Then came John someone-or-other, then they realised they needed someone useful on 1500's so I moved to BHS, and during that a lot of weird people came on the scene including you and Housden - wasn't he in charge of some software group or something - and he also had responsibility for operations or something like that?? I remember Ken Barnes (of later CAP fame), and of course Southgate (and his wife Sally who was daughter of the then chairman or MD of ICL (cannot remember his name)), and of course (you won't know her) Virginia  Salmon - secretary of Albert Wright - who was I/C something like Software Development - or Client Support - on the Upper Richmond Rd. Then later (in the 1900 days) came lovely Aileen who also worked in that office. Whatever happened to them all?
Ha-ha - like the stories of those days - I can remember being on the 1500 at about 02:30Am and looking out to see a shift-leader riding a bicycle up the corridor - it was found by some big-wig when he came in the next morning - propped against his door on the 6th floor. Then of course there was the Eight Bells......
Talking of card readers I remember on the 1300's they had a 600cpm and a 300cpm model - apparently there was only a 5 shilling pulley difference between them - but the fast one retailed for thousands more. They both ate cards too!!
I remember people using the print-table for other things - big problems when they failed to restore it just before printing. I can remember we had an Anelex printer in Putney - that had a lockout device that would close the printer down if on printing with no print-table - you were about to blow all 132 fuses. There was this bastard one day who only used 131 positions of the table - and successively blew 131 fuses about 3 tests in a row. Engineers were not happy!!
You never went to Poland!! What for?? - Do you remember Mike Waller and his now wife -  Barabara?? I see them every year or so - they're in Singapore now, used to be in HK. He's with DHL and will probably have to move to Kuala Lumpur in the next year or so. They're confirmed 'no kids' types, and have lovely furniture/flat etc...
I can't remember the fireworks episode too well - I can remember the party etc.. but not much else - but I do remember being dropped in your pool!! Bastards at either end - couldn't count to 3!! That was the calibre of person you were employing!! Then there was Mac ?? Scottish Londoner, arrived - saw Fred and I do something silly with a bottle of Cane spirit (which was actually water), at the boy's house in Randburg, and basically drank a full-half bottle of Cane (down-in-one) - and wrote himself off for the next few days. On another memorable occasion I remember you firing your rifle from the little bar-room, out at a box or something on the barbecue in the garden. Lights dropped out of the ceiling - everybody was deafened - nobody killed - great party!!
The President - total recall!! Well done - I enjoyed that place. I got to SA just as you were in the hotel/apartment in Hillbrow - I moved into a sister establishment I think - called the Augustus in Illovo. Yes the Astor - remember it well - we used to go there drinking after hours many a time. I remember the first week being there - I arrived about lunch time - Fred and a few of the boys (Scotsman ended up in Cape Town - I knew him before 1900 when he was in BEA...etc..), and we all went across the road to some cafe - I saw Monkey Gland Steak - had to have it!! - Then of course the early morning call - knock-knock - "Morning bossy - your 07:30 Coffee" - "but it's 04:30 - and I ordered Tea" - "Oh - sorry my bossy", repeated with different beverages just about hourly - until they didn't come at 07:30 - crazy!! I honestly think those black buggers were getting back at the whites - the only way they could.
More stories will follow - e.g. the big punch up in the Kroeg Bar just down the road from the office in Commissioner St - where we were opposite the garage - and who was the oak who owned the big shop below us??
I'll look out for the warbling darling - we do get the matches - and they're just about the best thing on.
Have fun... back to work
MC

20 August 1998 2:14 PM - Subject: Time on hands
Good one!!
I usually do my emails in the early crack of dawn when I am printing out my schedules for the day or whatever has to be done, so here we go again. I'm enjoying the memories.
I went to Poland because I was a commercially important person with BEA, put that in your pipe and smoke it Curls. I was always flying around to Unesco in Paris, Data Specialisten in Stockholm etc. and when BEA opened up the first direct flight between Warsaw and London I was INVITED to fly first class as a guest on the inaugural flight, which I accepted. I was friendly with Geof Elbourne the ICL European Big Cheese and he arranged for the local manager to wine and dine me for a week while I tried to drum up business in a country which had no money. Still, it was a good trip. I was slightly involved in an ICL deal to sell a computer in exchange for several million Polish condoms, each one as thick as a Dunlop inner tube. We eventually got rid of them to India I believe.
I blew 132 fuses on the Analex. so there again!!! Good fun. Remember Clem the engineer, he was apoplectic. How about Liz Cheesewright???? She came to work for me in Finance region.  Did you ever meet Yvette Asscher???
I met up with old Waller in '79 with Bassy. Remember his kit car, the Marcos, he was furious when we called it that. I sent him to Geneva for about 5 months, and the Pave very nearly wrecked the car. The suspension was so poor that it virtually fell to bits. Poor old Mike.
The Kroeg bar fight, that was over some imagined cricket insult not so? Didn't someone have an ear sliced off or something? It was a habit, slicing off ears in SA. It happened on a train to LM in Mozambique way back, before you came over, when the boys were on the way to a football match down there. An ear was lost there, but I think found again later, Mike Tyson was not around to eat the thing. I don't remember the name of the Oke downstairs at Commisioner street. Funny chap as I recall. I liked that office and I made a vow that I would never work in Braamfontein. I fought tooth and nail and, until I resigned, we stayed there. Moving into the trog pit at ICL was the thin end of the wedge for me. My differences with Tom Hartrick were impossible to resolve. I was convinced he was mad or terminally ill, and he thought I was obsessed with the value of software versus hardware. He was happy to give away our services to sell a machine, and then expected Dataskil to turn in a profit.  You do realise that if I had stayed I was next in line for MD of ICL as no one in the UK wanted John Starkey for the job. After I left I had a meeting with two of the big noises, including Chris Wilson, to see if I would come back, but I told them twice was enough. I would have got my gong if I had stayed, as Starkey got it instead.
I remember the rifle incident in my bar. I have lost the name of the tall blond fellow who used to drive a blue Freistaat Ferrari estate and we used to kid him that the one parked outside our offices with curtains was his, anyway, him. He and I were having a shooting contest at bottle tops set up on the BBQ under the apricot tree with an air rifle. I was plastered and kept on missing. So I got my .270 magnum and used that. What a noise. It blew a hole through the BBQ and out through the wall of the garden. I must have been mad!! Thank God I didn't use the .375, that would have brought the house down.
I somehow have managed to erase your last mail and as I am keeping these for posterity, do me a favour and send it again if you have a copy, they make interesting reading. I had no time to print it and how I came to lose it is a mystery.
The Scotsman in Capetown was called Alastair, that's all I remember. He and I had quite a punch up when I asked him to resign when we closed Capetown office. He couldn't understand that as manager it was his responsibilty. I felt sorry for him.
That's enough for now. Printing is finished and I must face the world. Lucky world!!!! Go with care.
Ken -

Wow - the memories........... Ha-ha - like the Polish Condoms - never knew all that.
As soon as I saw the name Liz Cheesewright - her face jumped into my mind - hadn't remembered her from that day to this - a very trim figure - very friendly personality - didn't have a great deal to do with her......poor lady.
Yvette Ascher - I went out with for about 6 months - lovely lady - whatever happened to her - she lived with her mum in a flat up near the North Circ Rd (Hendon or thereabouts).
You remember Wal finding a brick through the back window of his beloved Marcos - in Geneva?? Aileen and I visited him there - I smoothed her over in my very punchy Lotus Elan - we were drinking on the veranda - and I looked down to see some Frog-type forcing her way via-bumper-collision with the fibre-glass bumper on the punchy Elan - I couldn't believe what she was doing to my pride and joy.
Yes the bar-fight - Dave Lewis was right in the corner - I was to his left just chatting amiably. All of a sudden we see a pair of feet on the bar in front of us. Dave looked up - got kicked in the eye, and winked uncontrollably thereafter. all because Jim Cummins kept pushing his Business card under the arm of some O' at the bar, who then turned round defying Jim to say "All South Africans are bastards!!" - which of course he did - and the place erupted. Git!!
Starkey and Hartrick are well forgotten - cannot picture Hartrick, can Starkey - he went on to great things within ICL?? Fat  - red face looked as though he drank too much?? Nothing wrong with that!! Following on from him as top man of ICL - you would have been able to extend the tradition of only drinking too much - not of being a fat bastard (bastard yes - fat no??).
There you go - fucking useless with computers you are!! How can you somehow or other erase/loose these missives? Little gems they are - could be put into a book someday!! Anyway - earlier missive is below...........
No it wasn't - it was Graeme Wallace as I recall.
I like the pretence of being so important that you have to get a (presumably very slow) printer to take 15 minutes to organise your day. Mine could be reported in < 2 seconds.
Earlier missive...........
I've got to go drinking now - have fun!!
MC

22 August 1998 8:50 PM - Subject: Here he comes!
Hi Curls!!
I never knew that you went out with Yvette!! Were you ever in Finance Region, I can't remember. Also when did you join 1900? Were we still in Moorgate or had we moved to Domlyn House? Some things are as clear as yesterday, but others have receded into the mists of time. I expect I have a subconscious desire to forget all about your role in 1900 so my mind is rejecting any reference. Understandable. Yes, Yvette was a nice lady, I don't know what became of her.
I vaguely remember the brick through the window incident, no loss on that nasty little car of his. As for your smooth Elan, huh!! Plastic and fibreglass, that was all that was, you should have had a real car like Bassy and I. Do you recall Willie Henderson wanting a Super 7, but his legs were not long enough to reach the pedals without blocks on them, so he had to abandon the idea. Last I heard of him he was working for the Brewery in Chiswell Street.
Yes, I recall the Kroeg bar problem. Do you remember when Dave Lewis ended up in hospital with kidney failure after a few days piss up in Natal?? We all thought he was going to snuff it. I spoke to the hospital and they told me it was in the lap of the Gods as his kidneys had stopped working and they had no idea if they would restart. Obviously they did, or else he was just a Zombie. Don't know though!! He and his woman divorced did they not? She was the one with the  little yellow car not so!!
Graeme, correct, not Alastair. The Scot, could it have been Drew Macara, nice lad, golf player, eventually married ?????? and then they were divorced two years later. 
There was one night when I was in Hillbrow, and I had got back at about midnight and was contemplating what to do next, when there was a banging on my door. When I went to answer it, it was a naked black female of about 16, very nubile, who came rushing in and sat down on a kitchen chair. She told me someone in the servants quarters had tried to rape her and I must help her.  I reckon they were going to try to blackmail me, thinking I was a lone male, with the threat of cross race sex. I called up the security guard and told him to take her away. End of story.
Do you remember Richard Beck. He eventually joined me at Datamation Systems. Did you know he was blind, or nearly, and he convinced me to take him on a hunt, having told me he had spent years in the bush with his father. I wouldn't let him shoot until he had proved he could, which led to a row, but I insisted, and he couldn't hit a barn door at twenty paces. I eventually fired him from Datamation and, would you believe, I bumped into him in an hotel in J'burg about one year later. Can you believe he had started up a hunting business and was taking people out after big game. He asked me to come along as second (professional he! he!) gun on a hunt in Rhodesia, a party of Yanks, they were after buffalo, (the most dangerous animal in the bush) and God knows what else. I was staggered. When I suggested he was risking their lives as he was a lousy shot, he assured me that he now had contact lenses and was a crack shot, and anyway, I could go after the big stuff. I declined his offer. I often wonder how that hunt went off!!
I read in a British newspaper years later that one Richard Beck was wanted in the US for gun running to SA. I was not overly surprised by this. He married Laura van Zyl, one of your ex's wasn't she??
Good luck. Hope to hear from you soon.
Wonder Boy!!!

Johnston!!
Big Knob Curley!! Went out with everyone!! The Knob arrived at 1900 at Finsbury Pavement, Pat Allen was still part-timing it, Atkins was around and a waifey receptionist who drank Jasmine Tea (cannot remember her name) No the Knob - never attended (I won't use the word - work) Finance Div although I visited offices in Chiswell (another name to conjour with) St.
Yes Wal's car - he and I used it to go skiing in just before I came to SA - good trip, stayed with the Swiss geezer - Guy de Gonzenbach.
I can remember Bassy and I driving up to Glasgow (he had the B at that time) and we switched - well - he was off wasn't he - most responsive thing he'd ever had in his hands!! Your E's were Ok - but I honestly never was a big-heavy car fan - e.g. Astons etc.. even the B was too heavy I thought - but I like the MGF now. Cars are too expensive here - haven't really driven for about 4 years!! Liked the Willie story. Lost track of him early on - married ????'s dark haired friend - cannot remember??
Yes Cummins  married a French lady - had a boy called Winston and then it all dies out.....
And Lewis with the kidney problems - I can remember him just arriving (pissed as a newt) at my little Rondhavel in Illovo - where he just used to park his car with the lights left on blazing into the lounge, demanding more booze - we had many a night talking the world to rights . He had big problems then with the kidneys I can remember. They divorced - and he went to work for an SA Sugar company......end...
Drew was nice -  Almuth bumped into him years later in Geneva Airport - got numbers etc.. - Fieldhouse, Stoatey and I (pissed one evening) phoned him....chit chat ..end....
Becky Boy - yes heard most of that - Laura van Zyl - a good match.
Hartrick is coming back - little by little - stop before I remember him completely - sounds anathema to KPJ, to me.
Liked the Zulu story - ha -ha - can laugh now - but I bet it was a bit traumatic at the time?? Did I tell you my 'travelling in Moz story??'. There was Almuth and I planning to drive up through Beit Bridge do all of Rhodesia, get to the Moz coast at Beira, drive down the coast 'motorway' to LM etc... I checked it out with the SAAA, and they said the 'motorway' was open.
Drove out of Beira with full tank of petrol (in the punchy Chrysler Valiant Rebel), 80 miles inland - turn left to pick up the 'motorway'. 120 miles down it - up to the axles in mud/sand. Got a lorry load of Africans & Portuguese to get us out. I asked where I could get petrol (200 miles done only 40 left) - they said 'only diesel here'. Oh OK - how much further before we pick up the 'motorway' - they just laughed. 40 Caterpillar graders were bogged down 20 miles further on - no way you get through there. So I said - Ok we'll turn around - try to get petrol from the work camps - if we run out we'll just camp by the road. They said - 'don't do that - Frelimo'. To which I said - 'no no - they're all up around Cabora Bassa' - to which they said 'that's what they tell you on the TV' - bloody bollocks - that was the worst drive of my life - swarms of flying ants coming in through every vent, trying to make 40 miles of petrol get us 120+ miles. Found some petrol eventually - but very worrying.
Must away
No attachment sent - what philosophy??
MC
24 August 1998 11:25 PM - Subject: How the Years roll back
What Yer!!
God knows where the attachment went. According to my system it was sent, perhaps it will turn up in another packet of data. We'll see. It wasn't important, just amusing.
I'll give you that the Elan was a car, whereas the B was a tart's trolley. But neither could compare with the "E". I too like the new MG, glad there is still such a marque. It is a pretty car but I have heard varying reports as to it's performance, reliability etc. You were better off with the reliable, slow, capacious Valiant, much more your style. I was thinking of presenting you with some curtains for the windows, but thought better of it. Do you remember you challenged me to a burn up on the Harrow road in J'burg one night. Your "Freestate Ferrari" versus my dream machine. I saw you vanish in a puff of exhaust in my rear mirror I recall.
I don't recognise you as BK, MC was bad enough. Pat Allen, was very bright. She had a hell of a row with me, I think it was because of you. We made you, or someone, a project manager and she thought she should have got the job as she'd been with us longer. I told her I would make her a manager if she had herself sterilised. I was not going to promote someone who might fall pregnant any day and leave me with a problem to solve. She was furious and told me she would never have children, and even if she did, it would not effect her work. I did not relent. Was it five months later she was pregnant and decided to give up work to have the baby??? Women managers. Mind you, my comments would have landed me in court today!!!
The waif must have been Christine Jolly.
Christine was knocking around with a Chinese lad who led her a merry dance and she was often in tears over something or other. She was my second staff member, the first was Adrienne Dix, then Christine. She tried to join us again in Domlyn, but I turned a deaf ear as I was not around very much at that time.
I remember Guy.  I don't remember much about the Geneva business, all I know was that Roger Hubert of ICL France set up the meeting with the bureau owners in Paris and I spent a monstrous weekend getting horribly drunk with them and learning about the seamier side of Paris nightlife.
How typical of Cummins, Winston Cummins  that is just about right. I employed a black called Winston. Winston M'tunzi Sobantu. I asked him why he was called Winston and he told me it was because he looked like Churchill. It was a hell of a job to keep a straight face, but he meant it and to laugh would have been a real insult. I had another one who was called Aaron Sithole. Naturally the Afrikaaners called him Shithole, in spite of my protests. He told me one day that when the blacks took over he, Sithole, was going to be a big man, and I would be his friend and he would look after me, because I did not call him Shithole, but all the rest would die. Makes you think!!
Come on Curls, was the VanZyl one of your or was she not??? I am convinced you were involved there for quite a time. I need to know the truth or my plot will be ruined. There's no need to be ashamed now, it is all in the past, and no-one is going to bring such an indiscretion to public attention, honest!! Let's face it, we all have some skeleton in the cupboard to hide from our younger and less wise days, except of course, perhaps myself!! I have always been an example of propriety.
You must have been off your cotton pickin' trolley to attempt that trip in Moz. Those Frelimo boys did not mess about. If they had got their hands on you they would cut of your courting tackle and made you cook it in a frying pan before you were made to eat it. No error. At least I was armed to the teeth, two of my Zulus could shoot, and so could the Yank, as long as he stayed alive, and the vehicles were suitably equipped for the task with spare fuel, water and spare parts. I suppose you were aiming for Beira, now called Sofala. The only other fair sized places in the North are across the Zambesi, Namqula or Quelimane, but that is really primitive country. I was hunting about 150 miles inland from Namqula and that was real Frelimo territory. We were restricted to certain areas, but the situation used to change so quickly, that if you saw another vehicle in the bush, you were not sure whether they were friend or foe. Pretty stupid really to be up there, but I used to enjoy the adrenalin buzz.
The roads they were building were not motorways in any case, they were highways to enable troops to get quickly from one trouble spot to the other and to enable them to isolate vast tracts of land, but they were started too late. The same thing was true in SA. All the Motorways linked all the major centres of troop concentration, but that didn't do any good either.
Flying ants make good eating, if you pull off the wings and legs, very salty. What I used to hate was running over the Shongalulas, those bloody great centipedes about a foot long, which you can hear crack and squelch as they go under the wheels. There used to be thousands of them all over the roads in Zimb. Vic falls, it seems to be ruined these days, all built up and touristy, but back then, the old Vic hotel was a breath from the colonial era. You went, I believe, so you must have seen the signs on the banks of the Zambesi "Picnickers beware Crocodiles". Wunderbar!!!
You have not said whether you watched the Rugby at the weekend. There, I set you up with probably the greatest treat you will have this millennium and you don't even remark on it. Your days are numbered Curley!!!
There's rather a lot there and as I am sure you never took a course in speed reading it will keep you quiet for a day or two.
Take care!!
Ken.

Yo!
This is getting quite regular, me noshing over my lunch etc... very enjoyable.
Ha-ha - you do make me laugh - the idea of the curtains in the punchy Valiant - very humorous - but then you go and get silly - suggesting you left me (impossible!!) in a cloud of exhaust smoke (quite probable - the E used to use more oil than petrol as I recall.
Don't you go forgetting my nick-name too quickly - BK will do for now!!
Pat Allen and Mike Allen - funny couple - Christine Jolly - sounds pretty right - particularly the Chinaman in tow.
The vanZyl - was of course - one of mine for about a year I guess - a fairly harmless period of time, and then I think she went after Becky Boy?? I didn't mention it before - because I thought you would remember, but the old grey cells must be going quicker than I expected. Not ashamed - had some amazing times - all over the place - great!! I can remember Zavora up the coast from LM - on the beach - sand everywhere!!
Yes the driving around Moz - seems more stupid now - than it did then. But I reckon we were there in 1970 - which was a few years before it got really nasty. Still it makes you think - looking at the old tackle frying in a pan in front of you.... ooooohhh!! Beira - you're right - some days its there - other days a complete blank. Easy enough to look it up - but who cares - I've got you!! True about the motorways - I checked it out with the SAAA when I got back - and they apologised and explained - didn't help a great deal!!
Vic Falls was great - yes - remember the signs - and did a trip up river to see - whatever. We drove up from Umtali - went into Wankie - "the greatest concentrations of Elephant - anywhere on the planet.." - we spent 3 days in there - and saw 1 elephant!! And he was pissed for being spotted and chased our car!! Great times...... Was it Olifants Camp in Kruger?? Get your sundowner and go and sit watching the great swing of the river down below - with Elephants crossing etc.... Wonderfull!!
Back around 1986 we took the kids to SA - again lots of stories - but one of them was - couldn't get into Swaziland - Almuth didn't have a Visa. But the kids enjoyed Kruger et al....
Now the Rugby..I knew I'd bollixed it....I was in a bar somewhere - and the match was on..... which means I'd missed the start/Claire etc.. I did watch the replay the next day - but (take it easy), Sorry - they don't show Claire - on the replays!! There I've said it!! In my defence I can say - sometimes they don't show all the proceedings anyway. It's about 9 10 or 11 at night live - and there are 2 stupid Chinese blokes who are introducing Ping-pong one week and Formula 1 the next - and Rugby thereafter. They look and sound stupid (they may not be), but what happens is - the "and now over to Claire singing 'My old man's a dustman'" gets completely ignored - they're rabbiting on at 500 million miles an hour in some language (see below) which you'll never fathom - and all of a sudden - they've kicked off!
I'm not brilliant at languages but after being here for about 3 months - I was showing someone that I could discern the difference between the Chinese languages used on 3 TV stations. There - says I - that is Putonghua, this one is Cantonese, and this one is Mandarin. Now you being the untraveled Suffolk bumpkin you are - will not realise (as I didn't) - that Putonghua and Mandarin are the same language!! Bollocks!
Well I'm off to Tokyo all next week - mail is slow there - but we'll bungle on through. I hope its South East Asia for one week there-after - and then it sounds like London 21/22 September.
All the breast for now.
MC

27 August 1998 2:28 PM - Lunchtime
Hello!!
Now let me see..... I hope there is no censorship system on e-mails otherwise yours will arrive with blue pencil erasures all over the place. Sounds like a lively time was had by all in Manila. I had an experience once, which I shall relate, in a similar vein. I shared a flat in Hillbrow with a pal, who was an ex SA Javelin thrower. A big fellow who had a problem with drugs, not his fault, but misuse in the hospital that treated him for severe chest pains, when he tore all the muscles in his chest at some sporting event. They put him on opiates for the pain and then discharged him, but he had become addicted, and it took him years to get off the things. Anyway, when I shacked up with him, he was being weaned off and many nights would wake up, running around the flat like a maniac with nothing on, screaming about little blue and green mice running around the place, quite spooky.
There.....I knew the VanZyl was one of yours. What a memory this old fellow has. Seriously, isn't it funny what sticks in the mind????
I'm quite amazed that you fell for the old Wankie joke. There is (only) one elephant in the whole of Wankie reserve. The rangers work out where the tourists are going to be and make sure that he is moved to that area, with goads and inducements, and then they annoy him until he has turned into a raving nutcase, so they will have an unforgettable experience and tell all their friends how they were chased by herds of wild pachyderms.  I went to Wankie to see the elephants, but it was his day off, so didn't see any at all. My main memory off Wankie was the coal mine that makes up the bulk of the town and the number of black soldiers, armed to the teeth, that were very much in evidence. It was the time when Mugabe and his mob were active in the area. Also those bloody Shongolulas.
Yes... Oliphants is the place where you are supposed to be able to watch herds crossing the river and coming to drink. It is a good place for the brutes, but without doubt, the best elephant herds were to be found around Skukuza and Punda Milia further north. Behind every tree and bush there is an elephant hiding and they can become a bit if a nuisance.
I'll bet the Kraut was not amused by being excluded from Swazi. At Datamation Systems I landed a contract to assist with the development of Manzini airport, must have been in '73. At that time there was a big United Nations demand for an international standard landing facility in Southern Africa to enable a diversion capability, should there be any problem with Jan Smuts, and by that I mean political. To this end the World Bank and the IMF were prepared to put up millions in cash to expand Manzini - (Needless to say the Swazi Government and no doubt Sol Kirstner were being greased). I spent some time up there with one of my chaps, who had US experience in this field, and it was quite a laugh. Manzini, as you may know, is very high up, and spends about 70% of it's time blanketed by cloud so thick you could walk into an aircraft if it was parked on the ground and never see it. No one had bothered to find this out, and thousands of pounds were being poured into the enterprise until, guess who, yours truly blew the gaff. I quite innocently asked at a project meeting if this problem had been investigated. The minister for Air, some gentleman with a big black name, told me there were no worries, but in the end, an enquiry was set up and the project abandoned. I was unwelcome in Swazi after that. Another country I can't visit. There isn't much of the world still open to me!!!
I wasn't aware you were brilliant at anything, certainly not languages. There are quite a considerable number of Chinese dialects I believe, all very different. One of the mad Americans I use to employ always bragged that he could speak 22 of them, but he as he was a pathological liar I can't be sure.
I had a Mail yesterday from one Ray Jenkins. Do you recall him??? He tells me he did join 1900 but I don't remember that. I do recall going with him, and Jane, in a mini to ICL Dusseldorf, (that's where Jane's parents lived hence she came along), as one of my last jobs at ICL. I inherited a program, written by a madman called John Lilley at Putney, which was an annual valuation system for some insurance company. It was only run once every year. It used a device known as the Data Record file, which was basically a Juke box hotted up by RCA to read data discs, you will probably remember it, it never worked properly and there was one at Putney. There was also one at ICL Holborn and one at BMC in Rugby and that was it. Not true, there was one at the ICL Bureau in Dusseldorf. In spite of valiant efforts, none of the machines in this country would work, so we had to take all our gear, tapes etc. to Germany and run the job there. What a fiasco. The client, name I forget, was a senior executive, and as soon as we arrived in Dusseldorf wanted to visit the towns' equivalent of the Reeperbahn. Being the Ruhr, at that time, there were only one or two strip joints, where we ended up, with one of the ICL locals, one Richard Gordon, to show us around.

Time to get on --- Bye for now.
Ken

That was very nice yesterday - I was tippy tapping away - and the little box says "You have new mail - want to read?" - I replied "Yes" - and your mail came up saying "Hello!!" - all very twee.
Yes I'm sure you noticed that I said "yesterday" - oh just so busy - no time to even wipe my arse!! There's a pleasant prospect for you to start your day!!
Liked your Javelin thrower - and I never thought they would be so devious that far out in the bush - Wankie I mean. Honestly? They used to push this poor old sod of a hefalump around?? I could well believe how pissed off he'd get. All explained now - many thanks!
Liked the airport in Swaz etc.. reminds me of Stoatey's story of Botswana Govt - where a big black Minister was to be told all about the new computer system. The way Stoatey describes it - he was fairly glazed before the 1900 boys started talking. After about an hour of technical rendering, they asked if he had any questions? and in a very deep brown/black voice said..."Yes - what is for lunch?".
That one reminds me of Caroline (Ne ???) Chiswell who asked a trainee Swazi computer operator after his first week of being dragged into the 20th Century - what he was going to do for the weekend and he replied "Well Madam, I'm going to get my spear, and go and lie under a tree". Top-hole - I say!!
Now - the Ray Jenkins......the first face/person that springs to mind is clean shaven, bulbous (not very - just a bit) eyes, thining/receding brown hair, no glasses, smart dresser, 6 feet tall - may have worn leather ties, from Birmingham or somewhere up North, and the clincher is - he and Waller spivved around Geneva for many weeks/months because he could speak French and Wal claimed that he could. Or have I got totally the wrong bloke?
Ha-ha - liked the Dusseldorf story - and yes I do remember the Juke-Box - at Putney if you stood facing the console it was at the left, just a bit back from the processor - behind a pillar. I think a paper-tape reader was further on from it? and in front were the bloody great Fixed Discs that I managed to over-write. I don't think I ever tried to program anything on it.
I'm very busy you know!! Got to come into the office tomorrow (Sat), then 10:00 AM Sunday flight to Tokyo, come back the following Saturday morning - and at the moment, bugger off to Singapore on Sunday afternoon. Hope Singapore doesn't come off!
Auntie Janet - the old bat I live with - came back from 2 weeks in KL last night, and was supposed to be in Sri Lanka all next week - that got cancelled so she's in HK all next week - but off to Manila on the Sunday that I go to Sing. Too busy, missing my just deserts, and not getting paid enough!!
Now here's a question for you - have you switched on to Asian ladies yet? I have a Liverpudlian friend who just does not see it - I point out a ravishing creature to him and he says "Nah - no tits!!" or some such. But its weird. There I was in London about 8 years ago, having much fun with an English lady, when I met a Vietnamese. well I thought - that looks pleasant enough - so we duly bashed bones for a year or two. During that period - all of a sudden - there was Miss Chinese Malay!! Wow - wonderful. So more bashing bones etc.... all three continued right up until I came to HK, and then I was amongst millions of Asian ladies, living with a Philippina - and I think they're wonderful!!
Your thoughts.......??
Mails will be slower next week - just because I may not have a dedicated PC.
Have a great weekend!!
MC

What Ho!!
I think you have the wrong Ray Jenkins, he was a skinny, not very tall, with the look of a shave yesterday never today, if you know what I mean. Anyone less likely to fit into the suave, whoring lifestyle of the Waller I cannot conceive of, so it would not have been him who went to Geneva. I sent him a mail by return and it seems to have shut him up. Mind you it had the same effect on Stoatey, he gave me his address and I sent him a communique with no reply so far. I don't think the Von liked me very much so perhaps he has been forbidden to write to me. You seem to be the only one with any resilience, either that or you are as mad as I am.
I remember Caroline Chiswell and the operator with the spear. I had a black operator in J'burg, a Tswana, and a very amusing character he was. His name was M'Thunzi which means prestige, and I always told him he was the pits, which he seemed to find quite funny. I have to say that out of all the operators, all of whom were white apart from him, he was the only one who could be relied upon.
I suppose you know that my gnome and I bought a farm at Muldersdrif, just north of Randburg, near Lanseria airport as now is. We retained a farm manager to run the agricultural side of the business while I looked after the business side. I'm afraid the farm became a glorified knocking shop, and most weekends there was some party or other going on. One New Years Day I was at the farm with Jane, Claire and two or three friends, when a small black boy appeared and announced "there's a dead man in the Kraal". We used to employ about 50 bush natives, which we collected each summer from the Northern Transvaal, to pick the crops and generally do nothing for very little pay and they lived in a Kraal down by the river. They were an ugly looking bunch forever fighting and kicking each others heads in. As we had had a few nasty incidents, and as the farm manager was away, I told my friends to stay put, gave them some firearms for protection then, armed with a revolver ostentatiously on show, I went with the Picanin to the Krall.
The dead man turned out to be a dead girl, about 16 years old and bollock naked. There was no sign of life, no pulse, no breathing and no heart beat that I could detect so, as the situation looked quite menacing, they were all liquored up and high as kites, you know what the blacks were like on New Years Eve in J'burg, I went and got the station wagon, had them load her in the back, and drove off to Krugersdorp, where there is a black hospital. When I arrived, I reported to a staff nurse who came out to view the body. She took one look and said, "get up and stop fooling around". To my amazement the corpse leapt to it's feet and stood there grinning at me. Well, I lost my rag completely and treated the grinning idiot to some serious cursing. I asked the nurse how this was possible, and she said "it's happened before, don't ask me how they do it, but it is a state, probably induced by drugs, that for all the world makes them appear to be dead".
I turned on the wench and told her I hoped she enjoyed her trip back, got into the car and drove off. How she made it back to Muldersdrif in the buff, if indeed she did, I have no idea, neither did I care.
You certainly seem to put in the miles. Quite the Oriental whizz kid. I am fairly busy at the moment, but I really want to find some Cobol conversion work as I am not using my brain as much as I would like. I don't know about you, but if I feel intellectually understimulated I become restless and then anything can happen. My problem is that I want to work from my home terminal, and even with all todays techology there is not much work of that sort available. It beggars belief.
The cat has just arrived to tell me it is time for some grub and when he who must be obeyed calls...........
Bye for now.
Ken.

06 September 1998 11:33 PM - Back to the memories
Hi Curls!!
As I shall probably be out of communication this coming week I will favour you with a missive today. Hope all your trips were successful and that you are now back in Honkers. I have lost my other regular correspondent at the moment, namely Claire, as she is on a tour with the band in Germany. I am not sure when she is due back, I only know that she won't have time to visit me here as they have a concert in Cape Town the day they return. She certainly seems to work very hard, but the state of the Rand has put them under quite a lot of financial pressure.
I was reading back over some of your notes to me and it brought back to mind the house in Randburg that was a sort of boys home after the Eton Arms got blitzed. I rented it from Cy James and the ? Evans boy when I moved out there at the time of the takeover. My house in Parkwood wasn't finished and we also had to wait for our furniture to arrive from the UK. It was at the Randburg house that the firework party got out of hand, not so???
But my memories of that house, as I say, were not good.
When we finally moved into Parkwood. We had been in the house for about 2 months, we'd just spent our first Christmas there, when on New Years Eve there was a massive thunderstorm and lightning struck the chimney and knocked it through the roof. It was, of course, pissing with rain, not good news for the ceilings, and where do you find a builder in J'burg during the 2 weeks of Christmas and New Year???? You don't!!!! I finally managed to find an Indian who came along and repaired the damage and installed a lightning conductor.
Well, there's a load of crap for you to mull over. I now feel quite exhausted, so I shall pack up. Best Regards.
Ken....

OK - now I'm back - can reply to this - overdue one - and I see there's a little additional missive arrived - I may even reply to that now- later - does that make sense? It does to me, but that may be my Irish (partly) background. I can remember walking into Putney Bridge House North one morning, and 2 Irish cleaning blokes were chatting - and as I walked by (I was only 19 or so) I heard them say "aaah he's one of us" - asked them what they meant - and they said I looked Irish. Now I don't see it myself - but I did realise later that my fly was wide open - so that may explain it.
Yes it looks like I got the wrong bloke (RAy Jenkins) Cannot remember him (your one) or the name of the bloke I was thinking of.
That's amazing that Stoatey didn't reply/write more - he's got nothing to do. He's fairly high up in Trade Indemnity, don't know what he does, I'll rattle his cage and get him authoring. Yes if you get on the wrong side of Von - you're dead - but I wouldn't have thought that applied to you.
Yes I knew you had a farm - I may have even visited it - I can remember seeing a Rondhavel (or something), the floor of which had been bitumened (or something sticky) - and small snakes had got caught in it. I think Stoakey Beck drove me out there and it was certainly between Jb & Pretoria.
Will finish this one here, and reply to the other now.
MC

Kneth!!
Well I am finished traveling for a week or so, I'm continually amazed how long it takes to get to Tokyo - you lose an hour, waste 2+ hours traveling in from the airport - and all of a sudden a four hour flight has taken 12 hours door to door.
Poor old Claire - racing around earning a living, I thought bands crept around - smoking dope and being tremendously laid back - she's obviously doing it all wrong!!
Yes the Randburg house (also Eaton Arms) memories... - HUW Evans.and Cy (who married a Sri Lankan I believe?). I can remember going back to Jo'burg in something like 1983, and had a day to myself where I drove around places I wanted to visit. One of them was the big house with Rondhavels all round it, next to the Augusta in Illovo, where I stayed for a year or more. Wonderful times were had there, Saturday and Sunday summer barbecues round the pool - all catered by the staff etc.. etc.. When I got back there - the house had just been demolished and dumped into the pool, and they were in the process of putting up one of those small apartment blocks. Building site - all the memories - buggered up!! I do believe the firework party was at the Randberg house, I can remember what I wore - isn't that stupid - but not much more.
Polatch. He had a weekend lady, and weekday lady. Used to switch them on Sunday and Friday nights at Paddington Station. He said it worked well for years - until fog and other unforseens - mucked up the timetable and they would both be in the station at the same time.
And you even spell the name wrong - Dataskil - that's how much you were involved!
As for your Coboling at home - I reckon its got to be just about impossible? Unless you get in with crowds like - who were they, those ladies that did it at home, can't remember, something like Y2P or 2PL - so I reckon your old brain is going to have to go unstimulated! Except for reminders like - an Estelle Mendoza lady called Marion ???? - your starter for 10 - and who escorted her to Bassy's wedding?
Ha-ha - that's got you buggered!!
MC

11 September 1998 9:47 PM - Two for the price of one!!!!!!
Top of the mornin' te ye Pat!!!!
I can well see how the Irish cleaners confused you for one of their own and I assure you it had little to do with the open fly. 

That sounds like N'Gwenya farm, with the snakes in the bitumen. The place was crawling with them and scorpions. When we put in a swimming pool, the first week it was filled up I caught 4 rinkhals, 2 ordinary cobras and 4 puff adders in it. Needless to say I was not prepared to share my bath with them so they were removed.
ICL set up their Dateforce 2000 around homebased bods like myself. That is why I ended up with all this expensive equipment. But of course, they seem to have failed to produce the goods in 50 per cent of the cases, which is typical for them and, because I was fairly robust in my comments as to their efficiency, I think I am bottom of their list for work. They are still the same bunch of spastics I have resigned from twice, and they don't seem to improve.
The only Marion I remember from 1900 is Marion Forte over whom you have denied any low flying operations. Are you now admitting to something you forgot before, or was there another one??? I was very fond of Estelle. I may have already told you this, but when I arrived back in the UK in '78 I knew no one to make contact with so I wandered, lonely and forlorn, around town until the pubs opened and I could get a drink. I was in Great Titchfield Street when this female suddenly stopped and stared at me as though I'd two heads. Then she came right up to me and said "It's Ken isn't it". It was Estelle Mendoza, but no longer as she had remarried. We fell into each others arms and eventually went off to a pub for a beer and a bun and to chew the fat. She invited me over to dinner in Finchley that evening and from that day to this I have never seen her again. Such is life. I liked Estelle. 
The life you lead now sounds like the one I used to lead back in the 1900 days. I came to hate flying and airports and I know I couldn't do it again. I think, over the years, planes have become more uncomfortable. The good old VC10 was the one I liked, manageable numbers of bods on board, bags of power, and approachable stewardesses. The ones today are all old bags (the stewardesses not the planes). Do you remember the airlines used to use the Urinal and the Sunnyside Park for their aircrews?
Huw Evans, that's the one. We all got into the kitchen at Gerrit Bussers house after the reception at Ludi de Klerk's wedding and got all the old Afrikaans boys singing dirty rugby songs, with old Huw beating time and muttering, "With feeling gentlemen, with feeling"! Brilliant!! You may recall Ludi, he eventually came to work for me at Datamation Systems. He wasn't a programmer, but I took him on as a chemist when we decided, through the auspices of the gnome, to produce a water filter system which was to be available to campers, etc. He'd bought the patent in Switzerland. We produced about ten thousand of the things and stored them at the farm, along with about 20,000,000 chlorine pills which Ludi had designed and had manufactured, which were used to sterilise the dirty water before we put it through a cracked carbon filter. A brilliant concept, apart from one fatal flaw. Ludi was also the sales person.
We sold about 2000 of the things until one day, I went down to the farm and, as I passed the pill store, I smelt a strong smell of chlorine. When I went into the store the smell was overpowering. I went to open one of the cardboard boxes in which the pills were stored in bulk and the thing fell to pieces. The pill wrapping was inadequate, each was wrapped individually, and the chlorine had eaten it's way through it and literally eaten the cardboard boxes. All that was left was a pill made of chalk with no sterlising agent. This was disaster, there were God knows how many people all over Southern Africa happily filtering water, believing it to be safe, and probably chomping their way through Bilhalrzia, Hepatitis B et al. Maybe that's where AIDS started. There was only one, sorry two things to do. One, sack de Klerk, two, publish a statement in all the newspapers and camping periodicals, withdraw the filter and wait for the shit to hit the fan. This was done, and not one came back. How about that! Probably all the users died and never made it back to civilisation to complain.
De Klerk he was a major in the SA Army. He sold about one thousand to them, Mandela would probably give him a medal. The reason I remember all that is that his wife, Carol, remember her, she was a programmer.
You may recall that I gave Carol away at her wedding and made that dreadful speech about Montgomery. It was seriously vulgar and I looked out on a sea of Afrikaans faces, each one of which registered the most severe disapproval. But I couldn't stop. Once I was launched that was it. I wished the floor would swallow me up. About three years later I was asked to be a director of a photographic society, you will recall I had the better camera, ho, ho, ho! The members were mostly Afrikaans and I was asked to give a lecture on depth of field. I gave my lecture about focal length, aperture sizes etc. and in summing up I said "As a rough guide you can assume the following. If you want to produce sharp pictures with crisp focus, you need to use a small aperture. You might say, the smaller the hole the better the result, like with a woman!" There was a stunned pause, bear in mind half the audience were female, and then a voice from the back said "Throw the dirty beggar out!" I was never invited back.
Dataskil!!! If you look back over our mails you will find I spelt it correctly in most places. I bet you don't know why it was spelt that way do you? During the merger discussion it was decide that the company would be called Dataskill and at the meeting Norman Alborough, then ICL MD, instructed the ICL Co. secretary a prat called Keith Davies, to register the name as soon as possible. He found that some barrow boy in Cape Town with an eye to the main chance had already registered it and wanted several thousand rand for the name. We obtained permission from the court to use the name with only one "l" and that's how that came about. Another barrow boy years earlier had registered the name Woolworth which is why it is called OK Bazaars down there!
This has gone on a bit so I will stop. I will continue the saga quite soon. Best regards - Ken.

Kenneth,
Now replies to your missive.......
No - not Marion Forte - but Marion ??? (bugger) - I went out with her for about 10 months. We were at Euston, she was about 5' 10"" curly short hair, used to wear long overcoats, and worked with Estelle - was that on the Ground floor - near the Telephone/Reception area? Her parents lived in Rutland or up near the Welsh border somewhere - I went and stayed for a weekend . Very nice lady - I came to South Africa and only saw her again at a Computer exhibition many years later - but couldn't get to talk.
Yes - me currently - wandering all over the place - but in truth this is new for me - having done no business travel out of HK for about the last 4 years - so it is all new again, and OK for now.
I remember the water filter product - but never heard of its demise. Yes I remember Ludi, I can remember watching him and one of his great friends wrestle and fight each other all around an underground car-park one time - mad, quite mad.
Cannot remember the Montgomery speech - can remember the wedding etc (I think that was where the wrestling match in the car-park took place), and I like the smaller the hole joke - I bet the Afrikaaners were well shocked??
OK - that's me finished, coming to the UK again 19th to 23rd - staying in Maida Vale and Windsor - what are the chances??
MC

14 September 1998 4:49 AM - Secrecy
Hello rampant!!!
This will not be a story or lenghty yarn. I need some information. I would like to reply to your last e-mail in terminology which is suitable but I am not sure how private and secure your mails are. I would not want to write anything that might embarass you - sorry - I would, but I won't, not at this distance anyway. Comments please before I put my foot in it!!!! Doubt if I will see you on your visit, I am on a seminar that weekend and it will go on and on and on and on............ ad nauseum.
Regards - Ken.

Johnston,
From 6,000 miles - you cannot embarass me. Certainly the old email is secure - as much as anything is - 2 guys in the last company recently got fired - mainly because of the 'Asian Crisis', but they heard subsequently that the company had been scanning their mail for the previous couple of weeks.
So don't you worry old cock - go right ahead and spin your yarns.
Monday morning - not good - after a quiet weekend. Auntie Janet didn't get back from Manila - something to do with 'couldn't get the new system to reconcile with the old' - think I've been there before. She'll only be back on Wednesday - not good enough - no food, etc..!
Visited a couple of friends on Sunday, just down the hill from us - they've taken on a flat which has damp!! He reckons he can fix it, which will be a brilliant coup if he can - it was originally on the market for about 3,500 quid per month - but they've got it for about 1,400. Didn't help him much - just looked and poked around, and generally slowed him down - I think that's what friends are for!
Monsoonie weather here now - at last - its been a dry hot summer until now - which is unusual. The first typhoon of the season was lurking over the weekend. Again - we'd have had 3 or 4 by now. It's a good system (except I seem to only hear about it after the event) - If a Tropical Cyclone is within 300 Km of Hong KOng - they hoist the Number 1 signal. This just means - it's around - that's what we had over the weekend - and we get squally windy rain. If it comes nearer - they go to a 3, which means there will be heavy rain/wind - and Government employees/schools need not go in. Now I was walking in last year thinking "its a bit quiet this morning" - and of course I was the only one in at work - a 3 had been hoisted but I didn't know. Most Hong Kongers will elect themselves to Govt Employee status, and stay home. After that comes an 8, when the ferries stop running, everybody gets off work - you race home - get down the Video store and get a selection of vids, into the supermarket for food and booze, close the windows and generally have a quiet lazy time.
Bring on the typhoons - I say!!
Anyway - enough from me - get yarning..........
MC

15 September 1998 1:38 PM - Subject: In your dreams Curls
Wotyer!!

You must be pleased to hear about the new drug Viagra - it must be pleasing for an ageing stud, such as yourself, to know that you will be able to keep up the pretence for a year or two yet, unless and until, of course, it falls off.
The last time I was in Honkers was about 20 years ago and my memories are hidden under an alcoholic haze. I seem to recall that there was a water problem and that we were only allowed to draw water for a couple of hours a day or something like that. Still, it stopped people from adultering the scotch. Is that still a problem or have I got the wrong city?
No time today to ramble. Good wishes.
Regards - Ken.

Oh - I understand now.
Viagra I know nothing about - nor need to - as I pointed out in an earlier mail - call me Big KNob Curley!!
Honkers and the drought - sounds right - doesn't happen now (or for the last 5+ years), most water comes from China and I guess there may have been some sort of political dust up to have caused what you experienced.
The alcoholic haze I can recognise. I can remember my first few months here, 3 or 4 other UK boys (but particularly Steve from Liverpool) and I used to knock off work - walk about 100 yards to Wanchai (Red light district), and the first bar we came to was Joe Banana's. Nothing spectacular - but very well known - and the site of some memorable evenings. Wednesday was (and probably still is - haven't been there for 3 years) - Ladies night (where girlies get free drinks and the men go along to check out the girlies). The only problem was that some old hags used to go along which spoiled the ratios a bit - and it became known as "Grab a Granny" or "Fuck a Fossil" night. During those days I can remember Steve exclaiming that he'd just spent 25 quid on a round of 5 drinks - which is the usual rate outside of Happy Hour, and I can remember us all thinking what idiots we were drinking so much in such an expensive city. Never learn!
What was Marion's name?? That is bugging me.
MC

28 September 1998 1:30 PM - Subject: Back??
Hi Curls!!
I expect you are now back from UK so I will send you another missive. Not today as I have no time, but you can expect another epic very soon.
Good luck.
Ken.

Johnston,
I have just got back to my desk after going out to buy lunch/sandwich and was preparing to regail you of my exploits in UK.
I receive your quickie below, and it now seems you haven't got time today - well - bollocks - I'm going to tell you anyway......
It was a 4/5 day period of 'not quite weird, but coincidences'.
Firstly - I am well displeased that I have to have a 'middle' seat - not aisle or window on the plane from HK. But I get to Heathrow at 05:00AM on Saturday thinking "daughters will not be pleased if I pop in now", so I kill an hour or two before trying the "Airport Express". This is booming along and it suddenly surfaces to daylight and I think "where can this be?" - we hurtle through "Hayes & Harlington" - I used to get the train to go to school there - up to Ealing Broadway for about 4/5 years. Voyage of nostalgia - haven't been on that bit of rail for easily 35+ years.
Get to daughters, chat - they want breakfast we go out and have food next to the Estate Agent I went to to try and buy a flat in Maida Vale about 15 years ago - daughters say that was the one they went to to find their current flat. Bassy phones saying "why don't you call when you visit my town" (he always calls me when he comes to HK) - I say "London isn't your town - you live in MC", he says "true but this is the first weekend he's had in London for years" - cannot get to see him.
Over the weekend - see friends of daughters - one I haven't seen for about 8 years.
Up to St Pauls - past the office I first started working in.
Into work on the Monday - bump into Len Gore having a fag outside the office front door. Go to lunch with Stoatie in Canary Wharf, get the tube to Paddington - bump into Cliff Luff on the tube station chat-chat (cliff.luff@btinternet.com) he scrawled it so it may be wrong - haven't tried it yet. How about that - 3 1900'ers in one day - 2 unexpected!!??
Spend 2/3 days in Windsor - an old hunting ground - so a few familiar sights. Used the Green Line to get to Heathrow 'cos I've got lots of time - this goes right past the place Almuth (spit) and I got married (which I have never re-visited in 27 years. Get to H'row 5 hours early for flight - catch earlier one - have 3 seats all to myself!!
There were other things happening as well - places I'd been to years before - and there they were, with no planning etc...
A weird time...
I was in Bangkok one time with Auntie Janet, sitting at a bar, and a fat English guy started chatting. He was on about weird occurrences - but he was into things like X-Files - but real (for him). I got bored and said I had to go to bed - and he said "Don't worry about the weird things that will happen to you in Vietnam next year" - I thought - "No-way, am I going to let his prophecy come true" - so I have never visited Vietnam.
Cluffie was asking about Pam Brown, he doesn't know where she is - do you? He's married with ?2? and has just bought a house in Spain - planning for retirement.
So that's it from me - over to you..
MC

08 October 1998 8:03 PM - Subject: My excuse
Hi Curls!!
Seems a time since we communicated - in my case it is due to hard work, but in your case probably laziness. Never mind here we go again. First I have received a warning about a new virus on the Internet. It is called BUDWEISER FROGS and is accessed from a file or attachement called BUDDYLST.ZIP via e-mail. Beware this is very dangerous as there is no remedy yet. It will attach itself to your hard disc and lock it up forever. If you received any mail items MARKED "returned" or "unable to deliver" do not access them but delete at once as it attaches itself to such things. This advice came from Microsoft, I am informed, so it is probably genuine. See how I take care of you!!! I am just too good for my own good!!
You will no doubt be pleased to hear that winter has arrived with a vengeance. It is cold, damp and miserable and I hate it. No doubt you are sitting happily drinking sundowners with only the odd typhoon to worry you. All right for some.
I have decided to have half a day off. I have just closed a deal with a client which is worth a fair bit of cash, so I shall rest on my laurels. I am beginning to get enthusiastic about this project as I start to have some good results. At least, as I am self employed and I will be able to pop my clogs in harness, instead of being put out to grass like so many of my contemporaries.
I had an e-mail from Brian Lewis the other day. I will give him your address. He is talking about setting up a 1900 web site for communications so that we can get the reunion going. I have not had time to respond yet but I will give him my support. I would like to meet all the old gang again.
My bloody cat has just belted into the room, done four circuits at high speed and jumped on to the window sill knocking over containers filled with pencils etc. I went to give him a hiding and he bit me and belted out. Beware pussy cat retribution is nigh.
What are your long term plans Curls? Are you intending to stay indefinitely in HK or have you a plan to return to the UK?? I have thought about going back to SA but I am not sure. There is still a lot of unrest and I don't think I want to go back to burglar bars on the windows, although I love the country. Claire told me there was an attempt to hi jack her in her driveway in Bryanston last Spring. Some coon ran up the drive as she was getting into the car and tried to force his way in. She managed to start the car and he ran off as she tried to run him over, but he had accomplices in a car in the road and they got away. She has a .38 special hand gun, a real cannon and I asked her if she would use it. She had no hesitation in telling me she would.
Time for tea with toast simply oozing with butter. I am not really in the mood to write today but I thought I had better drop you a line and tell you about the virus.
Best regards.
Ken

Kneth!!
Yes - we've been remiss - down to it. I must be missing out - I often hear about these viruses, but never get them!!
Back at the last place we did get infested/infected and it took weeks to clear it all up. We found a new version of something or other, communicated to Norton Anti Virus people, who took 1 week + and then we took another week or so to get every PC sorted - I'm glad I don't run a business - all these sort of costs - just to stay in business - not even being productive (which I have always tried not to be!).
The winter bit sounds unpleasant, we've just had a change of weather here - Mid-Autumn Festival, where traditionally 32 degree summer heat with lots of rain and 95% humidity, which we endure for the 3 months July/Aug/Sept, changes (almost overnight) to dry, bright 25 to 27 degree days - which are the best time of the year - a little like April Springtime in UK but warmer. Alas this has all got buggered up this year - all of September was like now should be and it has just switched to 32 degree heat, rain and humidity!! All cocked up! How's about this, in that sort of heat/humidity etc.. I'm not so fit these days so try to walk around a bit just to get the blood etc.. circulating. Well, where we live is at the top of Mid-Levels, which if you see pics of HK is half way up the Peak. Now the Peak is about the height of Snowdon, so from our road, about every 3 weeks, I walk along our road for 15 minutes, then head up a path for 25 minutes (never stopping), which gets you to the Peak Walk, which is still not the top - but a pleasant walk around the Peak, along this for 5 minutes then 700 steps up to the top - no stops allowed!! another 15 minutes. Stop at the top - fabulous 360 degree views, stay there for 30 mins - then run down home. Sweat like a pig - everything really soggy, fab shower, and then sit in air conditioning the rest of the day- great!!
The cat sounds a bit non-Johnston!! It sounds a weirdo, so that may compensate a bit, but you'll be telling me next it curls up in your slippers, in the hearth, next to your favourite chair.
Me? - plans? - no. From time to time I think - better plan for retirement - or something or other, but it all seems so distant. Current thoughts are...you always return to where you were raised, so that'll be West London = crappy prospect. I'd like to drive/cycle around America and Australia (that'll take 5 years), I'd always thought 18 degrees was the perfect temperature to live at - now I think it is 25 to 27 degrees - so I have to find a place with that sort of climate. Have no requirements for a big dwelling - but would like space - big grounds - just to be a bit private - so a tent on 25 acres would be fine. Have always wanted to own a Log House (like the real (whole tree) chalets you see in Switzerland etc..). At one time I wanted to own a boat and cruise around - but that is money down the drain - and have 90% given that up. Also - I do like skiing, and all that it entails, so the idea of a Log House in (say) New Mexico or Arizona (both of which you can ski in) - sounds like the place for me. Got any spare cash??
Must get on - mind the crumbs and dripping butter.
MC

22 October 1998 4:22 PM - Subject: Gone but not forgotten
Whatya!!
Just a note to let you know I've not given up on you yet. You will find this hard to comprehend, but I am a very busy man, with little spare time, not something you will have experienced in your lifetime. You will find, as you mature, that life does impose pressures upon you which take up much of the day. Public appearances, TV, interviews, things like that, but then that is the cost of fame.
So, I will not write tomes today, in fact that is it.
G'day. - Ken

Fucking useless........
There was I expecting a tome, when I see this KPJ mail in my inbox. You do realise - amongst all your fame and frantic activity - what a big disappointment you are to some people - some times??
Well - I've just heard from Blewis - and have written him a half tome - and will have to make this fairly short now.
(3 hours later) ... see how short it would have been??
Well now its lunch time and I can chat more.. I don't know whether to take it as a compliment (I think I will), or an insult, but out of 15 mails received overnight - 10 of them were personal and only 5 about work!!
I'm going to recognise this as me being a very wonderful person, whose views about all aspects of life and love, friends, passers-by and all other models of person, need and want to communicate with. Rather than the git running the Y2K programme who doesn't know his arse from his elbow and isn't worth communicating with!
You mentioned 'fame'. This is something I have actively shunned (don't even think about witty rejoinders like - "Curley you wouldn't know fame if it hit you in the face"). I saw (don't know the date, but can remember the event) - the blowing up of Airey Neave's car as he drove out of Westminster, as a fairly reasonable end to a silly situation. I saw it as - he wanted to be powerfull/influential - he got that. And he also got the downside of that achievement. If you raise your head above the parapet - it may get shot at!! Witness John Lennon. So I have always wanted to be behind the scenes, ideally doing nothing, getting well paid and shagging as many popsies as I can.
Another philosophical thought I had recently - probably when I was on the bog.... Buddists renounce all forms of worldly possessions and personal power/gratification/superiority. The more you get rid of - the more holy you become. So when you've got rid of everything, and have no possessive thoughts and you are a 'success' - haven't you failed? because you have now attained the top rank position. I'll spend the rest of the afternoon deliberating this....sod Y2K!!
Another thought - had and mentioned by Billy Connolly, which I put a great deal of store by and try to use when meeting people for the first time and make a snap judgement about is.... "Don't trust any man, who,....left alone, in a room with a Wooly Tea-cosy, ...doesn't try it on!!" It's true - such thoughts drain energy from you they're so profound. You have to take a rest, after they zip through your mind.
With that - I'll go and lie down.
MC

26 October 1998 4:17 PM - Subject: Long live Nietsche
Well well, move over Hegel, Marx and Nietsche. Somehow I never had you down as a philosopher, it must be your exposure to Eastern culture that had brought a rush of blood to the head!! As for all the e-mails you get, are you sure they are not demands for money for some long forgotten loan you never repaid? Now let me see!!!
As for the tea cosy, of course everyone tries it on, but I bet I am the only one who puts it over his knob, so big your see.
Talking about loans, I lent some money about 1500Rand in SA to Graham Wallace when he needed to buy a new car. Then, when I gave him the boot, I rather wanted it back. He played up about it, but in the end gave me a cheque which I stuck in the pocket of my safari suit. Needless to say it ended up in the laundry, and came out a pulped unrecognisable mess. So I had to ask him for another. Quite a little bit of irony I think.
Then there was Terry Cadman. He asked me for a loan to get him and his wife set up in a house and in the end I gave in. It was a lot of money and everyone told me I would never see it again. But, surprisingly, to the day, he repaid it and gave me a beautiful Onyx ashtray as a present. He wasn't a bad lad really. I met him over here back in '80 at the Angel hotel down by the river at Henley. He was trying to get me to give him a job but I had nothing for him. No sign of him since.
I think my daughter has flipped her lid. I hadn't seen her for twenty or more years and now I get about three mails a day. Not chat things, but jokes, Web cards and funny bits and pieces. Her latest is a series of vulgar jokes about the Clintons which seems to be the rage in SA. I want news of her, not these funny things, but on the Header she has a long list of pals to whom she sends all this junk, and my name is now on that list. She must spend hours at this and God knows how much it all costs. The last transmission from her was over a megabyte and she has about twenty names on her list. Bonkers.
I was having my hair cut the other day (note the singular) and the barber was talking about the millennium problem. He was saying that he, and most people believe it is just a hype to make lots of money for computer people and create havoc. I agreed with him. I told him I had ex colleague in HK who had spent years charging people a fortune to set up systems with this built in time bomb so that he could rip them off a few years later. He was mightily incensed, especially when I told him that professionals such as myself, had been trying to be honourable and warn about the problem, only to run into the International computer mafia, who had blacklisted me from all activity in the UK. He is going to take it up with his MP and I made sure that your name was prominently forward and marked for attention. I am very sorry Curls, but I felt it incumbent upon me to do the decent thing.
So while you still have a few moments of wealth and freedom, make hay for the sun will surely set.
That's it for now. I had better try to earn a few miserable pennies I suppose.
Regs - Ken.

Johnston!!
Terry Cadman - can 2% remember him - not sure, but remember the name OK.
Yes the sending of jokes - there's a lady here in HK who just mails jokes around, you never get news or gossip. All a bit silly really.
Thanks for spilling the beans and pushing my name to Y2K prominence - come the big reckoning I'll be able to name my accomplices - don't YOU worry!!
We have another pubic holiday tomorrow - that's the fourth this month! November is going to be a bit tough though - every day - a working day!! I'm quite getting to like months like October. Up until recently I'd just about always contracted at - a rate per hour. So October would have been a bad month - but this crowd wanted to go fixed price per month - bring on the Octobers I say!!
Here's a good story - there's an island in Hk called Lantau and weird people live on it (lots of dykes, gays and any mixture thereof). It's very cheap, but about 1 hour by ferry, although the new airport has improved rail and road travel to it. Anyway, a couple of friends (both blokes - one of which is gay) live there and every 6 months they have a BBQ. Last Saturday was one such. One of the guests - Martin (English, who I'd never met) - very talkative - didn't like him much, and on her own a 60 year old English lady - who I'd met before - she's the ex-wife of Donald. Donald arrives an hour or so later with his flip-flop (Filippina) lady who is not his current wife (another flip-flop holds that position) and he and I get chatting - because he is a very enjoyable person to talk to. He's 60'ish and obviously has 'been around'. The evening comes to an end and we all disappear. Earlier, apparently, Martin was talking to ex-wife of Donald saying "yes, my Chinese wife is now in a mental asylum - quite mad - and I've had a devil of a time with her. It all started 12 years ago when I caught her having an affair with some Westerner. Never knew who he was, but I phoned his home and told him what a c*nt he was - and that I'd get him eventually." To which the ex-wife says - "that's funny, when Donald and I were married, 12 years ago we got a call like that, but Donald just said it must have been a wrong number" - which (Johnston) you and I now know - it wasn't!! Yes, dirty Donald had been shagging this bloke's wife - and now the two of them were at the same party, realising who was who!! Apparently death and destruction were avoided that evening - but watch this space - Martin wants vengance!!

All for now,
MC

03 November 1998 3:14 PM - Subject: Not a lot
Mawnin.
If I appear to have been a bit quiet then I will tell you why. Last Thursday I was tidying up my hard disk. Anything unwanted was out. Megabytes down the drain without a care. Let's face it after 36 years in the business I know all there is to know about backing up systems. So, there I was, fancy free with all the skills of the consummate professional behind me. But I had not reckoned with the perverse concepts behind Microsoft and their cunning plans.
I have a database that I have prepared from my trolling around East Anglia and over the 4 months I've been doing this I have amassed some 2500 records, about 1 meabyte in toto that creates a database occupying about 2.6megs. I have 2 back up copies on floppies, compressed, so I have not worried about anything going wrong. I have even, to be sure, restored the back-ups and even run the DB from the floppy, no problem.
These DB files are in a special folder, protected by security and passwords. When I am not using them they are write protected. Secure, Fort Knox don't know where it's at.
But!!!! I recently decided to improve the efficiency of the system by using Link manager and splitting the DB. My understanding of the system was that it used existing DB areas to create new indices and common up on overlap data. I read a bit about it and decided it was a good idea and off I went. It made little obvious difference but it gave me some pleasure. I have also been teaching my partner how to use DBs and we have had some weird named files lying about the place, one of the reasons for the clean up.
After the clean up, my DB wouldn't run, it wanted some files that were no longer there. Why you may ask? The Link manager and the splitter create new files, unknown to the user, places them outside your specifed folder system and removes the bulk of the database data from your DB leaving it just holding the indices. I have been happily securing a lot of crap.
So, be warned, if you use Microsoft Access. As long as you don't use the splitter or link manager you only need to back up the one file, but if you do anything else then you must find the stupid files created by the software and back them up as well. Not an easy task as the files have weird names. What a load of crap.
So I have been spending the weekend re-keying all the bloody data for three months of damned hard work. My eyes are like gobstoppers.
That's it for now. In ill humour.
Ken.

Oh - is that all!!??
I hadn't been imagining (don't be so silly) that you were at death's door - and that was the reason for your silence. No - Bollocks - I don't care if you're dying!!
What I was worried about - as your story unfolded - was that you were going to tell me that all my missives of the last few weeks had been lost!!
Only your data?? - Who cares?? Curley missives, much more important!!
At the last company I worked at (Societe Generale, then SocGen - now calling themselves SG, - soon they'll just be S) they took the (I think nearly unprecedented) step of moving from MS Exchange to Lotus Notes. Everybody knew how to use eMail - so they didn't need training!! And then you started to find out the differences!! One little nicety in Notes was the ability to create 'views' of your Mails. So - for instance - if you had all your mails in your Inbox, you could create a view (which would be presented to you like a Folder) of say - all mails from KPJ. Very nice. Except that nobody realised that the "Sent Mail" box was just a View of the "All Mail" box. Standard set up - care of Lotus!!
So you'd see a mail in (what you thought was) your "Sent Mailbox", and for neatness sake you'd copy it to the "Tokyo" Folder. At which point you'd check that it was in both mailboxes - feel happy with the fact that you could see it in both - and you'd delete it out of the Sent MAilbox. At which point (of course you didn't notice it at the time) - both versions get deleted!! Fucking brilliant!!
What was happening was - 2 Crap decisions by Lotus:
1. The Sent Mailbox is a View of All Mail - therefore, there is nothing in it - except pointers to All Mail. When you delete the mail - the pointer goes as well!! 2. You cannot save "Sent Mail" - because you can only ever View where it is in "All MAil". So to get a copy of what you mailed - you had to copy yourself - or use another Lotus widget/gadget!!
Crap!!
See ya!!
MC

Sent 05/11/1998
No point in waiting for you to put pen to paper.
I've just emailed Cluffie - and sent him one of your mails as an example of the trivia I have to put up with. Taken completely at random - I checked it out for any references to mutual third parties - funnily enough there weren't any - and sent it because I told him of your missives - and he said he would like to read one/some - soppy git!!
I can't spend too long on this tonight 17:45 now - its Auntie Janet's birthday. How about this for super-slick/jet-set lifestyle??
She had to go to Sri Lanka last weekend on business, and wanted to be back here for her birthday (tonight) and mine - (remember this - November 10th) - so had to book with Air Lanka - which meant she would arrive back here at 17:00 tonight. For some reason I just looked at my watch - at 17:00 - and the phone went - the old bat had landed!! We're off out to the Mandarin Oriental - Vong Restaurant - me paying (ouch!!) with 4 friends (hers - I don't have any!!) - for a star studded - glittering evening. Think of us dancing the night away, drinking bubbly out of women's bra's - and eat your heart out!!
All the breast!!
MC

07 November 1998 3:19 PM - Subject: Demand for Payment.
To:- M J Curley
C/o Dresdner Bank
Hong Kong.

Invoice No. KJ00234/1198

To:- Publication of Copywrite material
to wit Letters and histories
the property of author K Johnston

Licence fee ?3,452.00

V A T @ 17.5% 604.10

Amount due ?4,056.10

Terms are strictly 30 days nett. e&oe.


Hi Mike!!!
Thanks for the support with the publication of my histories, I hope you got a good fee for yourself. Whatever you do don't undervalue this stuff it is real quality. The cash will certainly come in useful just before Xmas so thanks again. If you would like to regularise the arrangement I will have my agent contact you so that a proper commission basis can be established.
My good wishes to you and etc.
Regards Ken.

Ha ha - very droll - I scoff at your attempts to extort money!!
Is VAT 17.5 % now - I think I can remember that - but can definitely remember it being 15%. It doesn't exist in HK!!
In fact HK is a very civilised place - 15% Income Tax (it goes up from there but not much) - it is not deducted by your employer - its the individual's duty to pay, No VAT - very few Govt Taxes. I can remember being here initialy (5 years ago) and Wine by the bottle was expensive - for cheapo crap - you'd pay 5:50 to 6:00 quid. And then (don't know why) there seemed to be the perception that wine should be drunk more - the Govt reduced the tax it levied on the stuff, more stuff came in from Oz and elsewhere - and now (not as cheap as the UK), but you can get acceptable stuff for 4:00 quid. But it was really nice to see prices going DOWN - quite substantially - don't think I've ever noticed that before.
Cars are taxed heavily - and are expensive (not as expensive as Singapore where there's 100% Tax and you then have to buy a Certificate from the Govt - which entitles you to buy a car. These Certificates are weird - people bid for them like an auction, and the highest price bid, is what they all get sold for that month. Sometimes they go for very little - but generally they cost 5,000 quid) - but I still reckon there are more Merkie-Derks here than Stuttgart, and more Rolly Polies than the UK. did you hear about the Peninsular Hotel in Kowloon 3 years ago, they parked their fleet of 12+ Rollers in the underground car park just prior to a typhoon coming through. 3 or 4 feet of water later - all of the cars were write-offs. So the Hotel bought a completely new fleet!
Thanks for all the birthday wishes - Yesterday I was 21 again. Pressies can be sent to 11/a Flourish Court, 30 Conduit Rd, Mid-Levels, HK - or can be parked in the underground garage at that address. I think I would cut quite a dash in a red Testarossa convertible!!
Must dash - work beckons
MC
18 November 1998 2:54 PM - Subject: Quick quick quick.
What yer!!
Just a brief note to show I am still in the world of the living, just. I have to drive to Newmarket today, freezing fog all round, most unpleasant, so I won't linger wasting my time with you. Just thought I'd let you know there is still life somewhere.
Good luck!!!
KenJ.

Bugger off then - Newmarket - very nice - except for the freezing fog.
Cooler here today - only 23/24 - and windy/cloudy - yesterday was better - 28 degrees and bright.
Sorry to mention that
MC
Sent: 19/11/1998....
Old Cock!!
Are you back? From Newmarket? Freezing fog in UK - someone in Germany says - snowing there - eeeeeehh!! What a dismal place Europe can be!!??
Well I'm going to continue to ply you with great weather stories - just because this is the best time of year in HK - bright sunshine and always 26 to 28 degrees.
Have I told you that prior to coming here I was doing nothing at home (Denham, Bucks) for about 6 months from June to November and I came to the decision that 18 degrees was the perfect tempreature at which to live.
Now - I reckon 26-28 degrees is the tempreature!! And looking through my little book of "Great places to live" I found GUAM where the temp is 26 every month - I know that could get boring (and I do remember driving through Illovo on the way to Commissioner St office - thinking "another bloody perfect day - how I'd love to have a London November day right now") - but so can grey, miserable.....
So I may pop off to Guam over the Christmas/New Year - only 3 hours from here.
Did I also tell you that when checking this clever book out about 1 year ago - I was particularly interested in Saipan - which is also in the same island group (the Marshalls) as Guam. I knew that it was a bit of a Tax Haven - and that the H in DHL (Larry Hillbloom) lived there (he's dead now), and if it was Ok for him - it'd be Ok for me. Well on reading more I decided Saipan is not the place - basically the clever book said....."...so after traveling through the islands - you come to Guam - this is just like little America, cars, Telegraph wires, wooden houses, lots of advertising etc... Also its mainly military, with all the best beaches on military bases and off-limits to civilians. Also there is a nuclear arsenal half-way up an active volcano, also the Americans planned to dump nuclear waste nearby in the Mariana Trench - billions of feet deep, so you cannot get the rubbish back if something goes wrong." All of which I thought sounded pretty crap - but I wasn't interested in Guam - so I read on....."....if you thought Guam was bad, wait till you get to Saipan. It has all the problems of Guam - and in addition it is over-run with SNAKES!! There are 12,000 per square mile!! More than 3 feet long, brown poisonous tree snakes, released years ago to eat the Rats that were eating the crops (this they did - and all the birds as well!!). There is a law, that if you see one you have to kill it - bugger that!! Apparently they have their fangs far back in their mouths - so they cannot bite you!! Well - I know that, and you know that - but does the snake know that?? I bet it'd have a bloody good try at biting you - if you tried to kill it??
Being the great white hunter that you are - I'd welcome your views on this subject......
Got to get back to work,
Abasynia
MC
03 December 1998 7:29 PM - Subject: Heart grows fonder!!
Whatyer!!!
Sorry for the long silence but as my header says...... No doubt by now you are just gagging for news from me. I understand, but everything comes to he who waits patiently. There have been several reasons for my silence. First Janet's mother went into hospital for an operation on her knee and collapsed under the anaesthetic and her heart stopped for 15 minutes. It was touch and go apparently, but after a spell in intensive care she is back home and coming along nicely. It confirms my view that it is better to pop your clogs quietly and alone than have the sort of idiots employed by the NHS crawling all over you. I have made it clear to all around me that if I have a cardiac arrest just let me go, I have lived a full life and don't want to end it with pumps down my willie and electrodes up my bum.
Then, I have had a major fall out with the company I have been an agent for, but big time. We have had a big dispute over commissions and they have conned me out of a considerable amount of money. This has led to mammoth tantrums and threat of lawsuits, from me, but to no avail so far. I think, like Bovis they will go to the wire, but I shall pursue this. Now I am out of work and picking my nose until I can get something else. Little seems to come up here on the millenium problem but no one, other than the big companies seem to be doing doing much about it. I expect there will be a major scream for help after the New Year so maybe I will pick up something then.
Frankly I fancy getting back into the pub business as I miss the hubub and interaction with the public at large and I really enjoyed that. I have raised the matter with the company I was with before and they are keen to talk, so I am seeing them next Monday. Maybe there will be plenty of booze for Xmas. Some of the tales from my last place were really amusing. We had a regular nicknamed Sideways Sid, this was because his head was bent like a comma as he had been a very bad forceps delivery as a baby. Sid lived very near by and walked everywhere but was permanently pissed. My pub was in a tiny village connected to another pub by a narrow country lane with a deep river valley, rather like a switchback, between the two places, a distance of about two miles. Sid used to drink at the other one early in the evening and then come to me before rolling (literally) home, about another half mile. He used to wear dark clothes and, as there were no street lights, all the locals knew to beware of Sid as he staggered along between the two hostelries.
One or two of the locals offered him a lift, but as his speciality was a technicolor yawn which displayed his evenings pizza, it was not often he managed to hitch.
One Christmas Eve, after a party in my bar, one of the girls was driving down the lane on her way home at about 1.00am and, as she came down the hill of the switchback, came across a most bizarre sight. Lying in the road were two unconscious bodies one, obvious from his attire, an arab, full arab outfit etc. There was also a bicycle with a buckled front wheel. Not knowing what to do she drove to the nearest house and rang for an ambulance and the police.
The bodies turned out to be Sid and the local doctors son who, earlier in the evening, in company with two friends, had been doing the rounds collecting for charity dressed up as the Three Wise Men. After a few drinks in the other pub, he was freewheeling down the hill, no lights of course, on his own and going home, when he ran over Sid who was lying in the road. They both woke up in adjacent beds in the hospital in Ipswich on Christmas morning.
On another occasion, I had only been at the pub a few months, I was sorting out the cash in the bar at about 12.30am when there was a banging on the kitchen window and a hairy looking bloke asking for me. It turned out to be one of the locals who had been out shooting foxes with his son. His tale was that, as he was coming down the road, he heard a bump and a shout and saw a body lying in the road covered with blood. Strangely the body had it's trousers round it's ankles. I asked him if the body was alive or dead and he said he didn't get out to look, just came to find me. Why Me!!!!! I suggested he phoned for an ambulance while I got a coat and then set off with him to see what was to be done. As we drove down the road, in the headlights there appeared a bloodstained body, thankfully with it's trousers up, which turned out to be Sid. I got out and went over to him, whereupon he threw his arms round my neck pouring out his thanks and bleeding all over me. I asked him if he was alright and if he'd been hit by a car, but I should have known better. Apparently he had climbed up the bank to have a shit and, in his drunken state, had toppled forward on to his nose and KO'd himself.
Bearing in mind the technicolour yawn, one night in my bar Sid came in barely able to stand and I refused to serve him. He asked if he could have a meal and I said if he had a meal he could have one drink, no more. One of Janet's specialities was casseroled pigeon, a whole bird in a rich gravy with vegetables and Sid decided he was going to have that. He was siting up at the bar when his meal arrived and the waitress asked him where he wanted to eat, I told her, in the furtherest corner of the room, a long way from me, and off he went. When his plate came back he'd eaten the lot, bones and all, luckily no yawn. What a bloke!!
I have to say there were not many dull moments. As the local landlord you are a leading light in the village community and I used to enjoy it. Who knows, perhaps I will be back there again soon.
That's it for today. I attach a couple of bits for your amusement.
Ta Ta Ken.

Johnston!!
My turn to apologise - all last week in Tokyo, and email is just too slow from there.
Well what a lot of concerns - Janet's mum and bastards spivving you out of your hard earned dosh!! I don't agree with your "let me go" scenario though. I want to be brought back time and again - life is too good to give up!! So long as I've got feeling in my willie and me/someone/something can wank it around - I'll be there!!
Getting back into the pub business sounds OK - but why did you get out in the first place??
Sideways Sid stories were good - what a character!!
I have to admit to you that I am still (virtually) impossible to ignore so far as the finer sex are concerned. There I was in Tokyo, first night little Reiko said I had to buy her drinks and Dinner, Tuesday she wanted the same again, then Friday it was Reiko, Yu, Mariko and later on Anana - all 4 lovely ladies - and ME!! I don't know how I do it, or what my secret is - but I have to admit I am a total machine. They all 4 giggled the evening away, disolving into hoots and shrieks when the old John Thomas was extracted. Whatever it is I am going to bottle and sell it!!
Tomorrow morning we have 4 visitors from South Africa arriving. I wonder if you can remember any of this..... Moira Hayward (secretary at Commissioner st) had 2 sisters (Diane & Lynda). Well Lynda her husby and 2 sons arrive tomorrow 08:30 for 1 day en-route for a New Zealand holiday. Haven't seen them for about 10 years.
Had a Christmas card from the Bassy's
Gotta get on,
MC

28 January 1999 6:09 PM - Subject: Sorry
Hi!!
You are right it is my turn. However I have been persuaded to take another pub and have been tied up sorting it out. It may not be permanent but the brewery asked me to come in and sort out a bit of a mess and the offer was not one I could refuse.
This means that I am far from my keyboard and can only write about once a fortnight at the moment. This will improve soon when I move my machine over to the pub.
That's the explanation, or the only one you are going to get.
Ta ta for now.
Ken.

Situation normal!!
Johnston cannot manage to keep life's little interesting scenarios going because he's in the pub!! Not that I want a geography lesson on Suffolk, but are you (with your PC) distant from the pub??
I'm off to Tokyo all next week - which does not let you off the hook - but I may be slow in responding too.
I'll give you some news from here, just so you cannot accuse me of being a non-performer (something I have never been accused of!!). Janet obviously upset someone in DHL because she has just returned from a 2 day business trip to Karachi!! Not too pleased. She bombs off to SanFran for 2 weeks on Saturday, I zoom over there for 1+ weeks and holiday with her there after that, then we come to London/Switzerland skiing 3 March onwards.
Meanwhile I presume - you'll be in the pub?
MC

24 February 1999 7:41 PM - Subject: What a load of rot
Bollocks Curls, I am very busy and miles from my keyboard. Today I will take it with me so the sagas may continue. In my village is an old Putney man called Reg Milton??? He married another Putneyite name Linda. Anyway he knows you and asked to be remembered.
In touch again soon. Ken. God.

25/02/1999 - Kenneth,
Don't hurry - I'm in the midst of traveling. 2 weeks ago it was Tokyo for a week, then it was California for 9 days (holiday), this week its Hong Kong, tomorrow fly to London for 4 days work/free time, then 8 days skiing in Switzerland.
Back around 16/17th March.
Reg Milton - could be an ex-1300 operator, glasses, whispy sandy hair - probably all gone now was losing it front and middle - 5 feet 9, thin frame/wiry, fresh face. Got him in one!! If its that Reg Milton - do say hello, from 35 years ago!!
See ya.
MC

26/03/1999 Johnston,
You're bloody useless - sometimes I think the whole of the UK is asleep, or is it that people just don't want to write to me? I've just had to send a very strict missive to Brian Lewis - who also hasn't replied since November.
Anyway - I don't mind prattling on whilst correspondents fail to return the courtesy!!
News from here - done London - cleared out my mother's old house so that a buyer can move in - not a pleasant job - chucking away mementos and clothes and things - never mind - as I'm a Risc Buddhist - all possessions are piss and can be ignored/got rid of.
Then on to Verbier - great weather - sunny all the time - great skiing - my 2 daughters were their usual animal selves - notably not coming home most nights until the early hours - and especially one morning until 07:00AM - but they did say it was the best holiday ever - little cows!!
Must get on with some Y2K work now - how's/where's the new pub??
MC

26/03/1999
Hi!
Two reasons for my silence - you were away and I, unlike some, have a lot of work to do. Anyway, who would want to write to you, I only do it out of pity.
That's all I have time for now, will send more later.
Ken

13/05/1999 - Hi!
No, I have not completely forgotten you, but I have had no time to write. Even my daughter only gets a one liner once a fortnight if she's lucky. I am hoping to get better organised soon, the problem is trying to find suitable staff in this sleepy little hamlet, and they don't grow on trees I can assure you. I think I had better import a few Phillipinos as waitresses and perhaps get a little on the side as well.
Shottisham is in probably the remotest part of Suffolk you can find. You may have heard of Bawdsey Manor where Watson Watt developed radar, or Orford where Barnes Wallis tested the bouncing bomb, well they are all within spitting distance of the pub. We are very near the sea in a delightful little village of perhaps 300 souls, all very picturesque and chocolate boxy. The pub is part thatched and dates from the 14th century. It is very much a tourist and walkers paradise from which we benefit. Altogether a delightful spot where I will be quite content to pop my clogs in the year or two left to me. It is worth a visit if you are out this way.
I hope, in the not too distant future, to pick up the threads where we left off, ie the reminiscenses of a randy computer programmer.  But they must wait for a week or two.
That's it for today.
Best wishes - Ken

13/05/1999 Johnston!!
A quick reply to your brief missive.
Good to hear from you - and I understand the pressures you must be under in such a fast moving, hectic place as Shottisham.
I for my part am currently languishing in Singapore the whole of this week, with a little bit of a  Saturday night almost arranged.
Been out every night so far, but generally its been dinner and drinks with various business colleagues - quite boring.
Back to HK next week, more when we resume properly.
MC

08/06/1999 - Hi Curls!
Just had a thought that I had not sent you any news for some time and I know how you must hunger for intellectual stimulation in your hum drum existence. Tonight I have found bar staff and the old bat has gone to see her mother so I am doing some long needed paperwork and have decided to have a ten minute break to write to you. Now is that not good of me?????
Things are progressing well here, if only I could find some permanent staff. We have a blonde, long legged, big titted kid as a waitress and kitchen assistant, very tasty, but not much more than that. A few casual helpers make up the establishment but I am really looking for more senior people, but they won't work for the occasional groat anymore and it's a bloody shame. I may have to import some Phillipinos or Kosovans. It would serve the local layabouts right if I did.
Naturally, anything I touch turns to gold and business is booming. It has been remarked that I can melt knicker elastic at fifty paces, but it works in other ways too. I guess I am just a male version of the hairy magnet. But then, you know that from personal experience.
How goes the millennium bug? I am glad to be out of that as no-one seemed to be taking it very seriously over here and it was driving me insane trying to get some urgency into the act. It will end in tears mark my words.
Hope all is well with you.
Well that's my ten minutes so bye for now.
Regards - Ken.

11/06/1999 Kenneth,
Yes - its about time - I've been very patient - you have to admit.
Hum-drum my existence - is not - I am Mr Jet-set (not that I want to be), and am very important - albeit until Y2K is over - and them I am on the scrap heap - hooray!! I hob-nob with all the top boys within DrKB etc.. and am now responsible for 'overlooking' all aspects of Y2K for all DB/DrKB/DRCM (companies in the Group) offices in the whole of Asia. What do you think of that?? Important hey??
You sound busy too - grabbing a well earned evening off to write to me, much appreciated. Bar staff should all be blonde and big titted in my estimation - ideally with not much sense in their head - so they don't fiddle you - and ideally well disposed to you fiddling (with) them.
Get the Filippinas in - we could come to an arrangement - Janet knows millions, most of whom have a university degree - speak 3 languages (yes English is one of them) and would play with your willie when things are quiet, or when they're not doing the washing/ironing. Going rate for one in HK is about UK Pound 400 per month - plus board and lodging, 1 day off per week - you cannot go wrong. Also they're so happy and friendly - your business will boom (is that what you want?)
The para concerning your prowess, gets "nil point" - no comments!!
Cannot remember which trip to Singapore (I've been at least once more recently)  Went to Korea for the first time a week or so ago - very male dominated society (more so than Japan) - and there is some investigation to be done there. Big office blocks along wide boulevards, and behind the blocks - lots of alley-ways, with bars, restaurants, girlie places - could be good - only had 1 evening spying out the land - and it deserves more investigation!
My 2 daughters come over here for a couple of weeks in July - we're getting extra booze laid in, and we have recently got rid of 2 guests - Janet's cousin stayed in the flat for 8+ weeks and then Janet's daughter (16) stayed for 4 weeks (they both came over to London and Brussels for 2 weeks).
Must get on with Y2K......
How's the summer??
Mc

19/08/1999 Johnston!!
You are a complete waste of space - I write you these great sweeping tomes - and get no feedback whatsoever.
The only excuse I will allow is that you are dead! You have to realise that life goes on apace out here - I have stories to tell almost every day.
Tonight I am out with the boys so do not expect much to happen.

I'll not make you feel any more guilty than you are already, by writing more jewels - but await your replies with utter indifference.....
Curley.

23/08/1999

Hi!

You are not forgotten just mislaid, by the sound of it. I really have no time to spare at the moment as we are incredibly busy. Naturally I am very pleased and crying all the way to the bank, but I have little time for anything else. Even my dear Claire has had little communication from me and she got married three weeks ago.

Anyway all you seem to write about is your winkling exploits. I would have thought by now you had worn the thing out and gone for a transplant. You are correct, I did die about three years ago but they had me stuffed, luckily with an erection, so I have few problems these days. It saves all that high blood pressure. 

So what will you do after you are on the scrap heap? Best place for you. Will you stay in the East or return to the UK? I wouldn't mind a new venue myself, but I think I am a little too old to start back packing again and I have done much of the world. I'm not in the best of health at present as I have a quite serious back problem and it appears that I may become a victim of arthritis, and I am not into the Ying Yang crap. It is all down to anno domini and having spent my life burning the candle at both ends. Still, I've had a full innings and enjoyed it immensely. This sounds gloomy but it's not really.

I really put hand to keyboard as I know how much you value my comments, but now I have had enough for the time being. I will be in touch soon. 

Regards - Ken.

01/09/99 - Johnston,

See how considerate I am?? - Not replying immediately - giving you a few days to feel less guilty!!

Anyway - enough about how wonderful I am - lets get back to you!!

Claire got married?? Wow - time flies....congrats to the poor thing... I keep telling my two - never get married - only problem is they seem to be following my suggestion and I have to pay.

The thought of you being stuffed with an erection - sounds perverted and visually abhorrent.

After Y2K - I don't know. Cycling round Australia is a project I want to do. But more likely I'll be snapped up to do some other project which requires my unique blend of talents.

As for you, being struck down with arthritis - its all down to that grey, wet dismal little island you live on. I'm not saying HK is any less damp, but when the sun & heat are upon us - it elevates one's whole demeanour. I agree with you on the Ying Yang crap - but I am also a great believer in a 'positive mental attitude'!! Like - "I'll never get cancer"! Alternatively your comments about anno domini etc.. sound anything but positive - and all this during what I believe is a great summer there??

That rambled a bit - but I'm sure you'll pick the gems out.

Got some hard work coming up over the next 2+ weeks - Auntie Janet has decided to move apartments. She gets 4,000 quid per month to spend on an apartment and currently only spends 3,000. So - the lease is up (been there 4 years) and we're moving to a bigger place, which uses the full allowance. Lots of picture taking down, re-wiring, packing etc.. and my total possession in the world fit into 4 suitcases, why do I have to work so hard??

Glad to hear you're making good money, although working hard, hope it continues.

It is no excuse for not writing however, and I expect a prompt reply.

All the breast,

MC

17/02/2000 - Johnston,

There I was, re-reading our missives of last year (since Y2K isn't occupying me full-time - he-he) and you were waxing on about Claire and Mango Groove, and singing at the Rugby etc....

So there I was last night watching TV a documentary about a leopard "Jamu - the orphaned Leopard", and on the credits "Vocals by Claire Johnston" - HA-HAAAAA!! heard her....what do I know, but she doesn't sound like you, so that's in her favour!!

But did I miss-see her name?? I think it said "Clare...."

The contract here, runs until 31/03/200, and currently I'm planning to cycle round New Zealand from then for 6+ months (is it that big?? - maybe I'll have to go slower), so this email address will become useless (no comments!!), I'll keep you posted on new contact details, because I realise you don't want to lose this valuable link.

What's happening in deepest Suffolk??

Mike Curley

7/03/2000 Hi Mike!

Good to hear from you, sorry you haven't heard from me. It is truly the pressure of work. I wrote to Claire today for the first time since Christmas so you are not the only one.

I don't know about Jamu the Leopard but if it was Mango Groove it was Claire and you are right it is with an "eye". I will try to write a decent note soon. Hope all well with you.

Good Wishes - Ken.

7/03/2000 - Johnston,

Good to hear you're still alive, and under pressure..I presume its the 'new' pub that is occupying all your time? Details of it etc..please... the last you mentioned was not being able to get good staff, and you were thinking of employing Philippinas or Bosnians.

It looks like I'll be finishing here at the end of March 2000 - so have this alternative private email address for me...I haven't got a PC yet, so expect a delay in replying....

mikecurley@altavista.com

MC

16/03/2000 - Hi Curls!

I can't imagine your little legs pedalling all over New Zealand. Six months, more like six years. Six months would just about get you round Auckland.

This old place, the pub, is 14th century, thatched and delightful, which is why I took it on. It is going extremely well and I have just signed up to a 5 year lease. We are having a lot of alterations done, mainly to the loos and garden and, as I have one and a half acres to spare at the back, I am hoping to get planning permission to extend the car park. Not a lot of hope but just possible.

The village is tiny and very much a tourist place, but unfortunately any properties which become empty, are quickly bought up by Londoners etc as holiday and weekend homes, so the village dies during the week.

Luckily we are able to attract trade from the nearby towns and villages and we also have a large number of walkers and sightseers, so we do well.

If you can imagine a typical chocolate box type thatched cottage sitting in a dominating position at the end of a village street with a church in the background and trees all round, you've got the picture of the Sorrel Horse.

Well that's it for now. I will send this to both your e-mail addresses and then you will no doubt get it.

Good hunting.

Ken

17/03/2000 - Your move.

Johnston!!

Ha-ha....you forget....I have no work to do...so can reply immediately!!

Good to see you are still in the land of the almost living, I must say the descriptions of village and pub are great reminders of the good old UK.

What is the name of the village??....are you in Shottisham??.....you never know.....who may turn up.....

Well - 5 years...that should keep you out of harm's way, and what with extensions and alterations I can imagine how busy you'll be.

I have images of villages/pubs around the Thames Valley which were big attractions to us town-dwellers at weekends. We'd just zoom out to them, and be annoyed to find that we should have made reservations for lunch. Do you have a restaurant?? or is it pub-food in the bars??

Now the car-park.....I have another vision....it has to be 'green/ecological'.

What the council will object to is an acre or more of black ashphalt. So it has to be lots of apple and other fruit trees, the whole thing surrounded by high hedges. No ashphalt, but those stone chippings. Easy, they'd agree to that!

I have 2 more tasks to perform here before leaving...1 is to send an email to IT Dept saying - "copy Y2K files in Folders X & Y to CD-Rom, then delete them" and the other is to box our Y2K files up and store them. As you can imagine, number 1 will take 2 minutes, and the other may take 2 hours...so you can see..I am not very busy!! And, because they argued a fixed monthly price for my time, they are paying me for 65 hour weeks!! money for old rope - I shall be sorry when it ends.

I'm currently planning to buy a PC, get on the Internet at home, learn some current skills (XML & Java), do some on-line investing (make millions), get a bit fitter, annoy Janet sufficiently that after 5/6 months she says "bugger off to New Zealand", by which time it will be much nicer weather than is in prospect now.

Recently I've been in contact with Brian Lewis, Doug Barrie and Dennis Mahoney - do you remember him??? I met up with him and his wife in the UK about 10 years ago, dinners, weekends etc.. lots of fun, then I came here and lost him...he's with a Lottery company (CGI Tech or something like), in USA this week, and SA last week - so haven't spoken to him yet, but email only so far.

I'll send another mail before 31/03 confirming new addresses etc...all for now..

Curls

17/03/2000 - Hi!!

Yes, Shottisham it is, not far from Woodbridge in wildest Suffolk. We are very near Bawdsey where Watson Watt discovered Radar. Would you believe I spent some time there when I was in the RAF. Small world.

We are a big food pub and do delicious roasts on Sunday. Needless to say we are very busy and it is necessary to book at weekends and Thursday lunchtime, OAPs day which you will soon qualify for.

It is not the colour of the ground that is the problem with the car park but the fact it is agricultural land and needs to be reclassified. I have a plan to get an EEC grant to convert the stables into craft units and then claim that it is not viable as there is insufficient parking for all the activity. As they are desperate for jobs around here that will probably work.

That's it. Ta Ta

Ken.

20/03/2000 - Johnston!!

Well I see it all now - is that you on the B1083?? I've been checking the area out on the Internet - interesting UFO stories around the RAF bases when the Yanks are/were there.

Hope the EEC and craft units - plan works, sounds a winner to me.

I've done my 1 (work) email for the day, and have to do my last Y2K Monthly report on Thursday. Next week, 2 hours of boxing up our files, and that's me done. 3 hours work max for the next 2 weeks - heaven!

Your earlier missive was well received in the altavista mailbox - thanks.

Just heard from a couple of Buckinghamshire friends (met him contracting in the City 10 years ago, they're marrried with a son they have dubbed Zebedee!!) they've just bought 28 acres of jungle in Belize, up near the border with Guatemala - planning to build a house - sounds quite adventurous....I think.

All for now..

MC

Mon, 20 Mar 2000 16:33:38 - Hi Curls!!

What's the B1083? I know nothing of road numbers and I'm pretty sure there are no numbers on the roads around here. But you are on target, the locals still rabbit on about the Rendlesham mystery, most believe that there was a visit from outer space. The site of the apparent landing is about three miles from here. Not that there is much forest left, as the bulk of it was devasted in the hurricane a few years ago, when exactly I do not recall.

I am unsurprised that you are enjoying doing nothing, you always were a lazy B.....d. You'll be telling me next you've earned a rest, don't make me laugh.

We had quite a laugh here yesterday. It was a beautiful day and the garden was packed. We have the usual pub bench tables on the grass but the lawn slopes down to the road. One of the projects for this year is to terrace the garden and cover it with patio tiles, but that is in the future. Anyway, one party of about five were sitting at a table, two on the uphill side and three downhill. Unfortunately the uphill gang stood up and the downhill gang didn't. Newton's laws came into play and the whole caboodle went base over apex with drinks in all directions. Quite amusing. I tried to charge ?20 a ticket for the floor show but no one would pay up. Shame.

Bye for now.

Ken

27 March, 2000 - Kenneth,

I was trying to be very clever...I'd found a map of your part of Suffolk on the Web, and the B1083 was definitely around Shottisham. I'd expected you to say something like "Bloody bollocks, how do you know that?", instead I get some lame excuse that you don't know the road numbers around your part of paradise.

Liked the local stories.....news from here is that I'm into my final week in this company. At home, the Internet line was installed yesterday (Sunday), PC should arrive in a couple of days, Internet Service Provider contacted, should be on-line by end-of week.

More next week....

MC

Mon, 20 Nov 2000 - Hi Curls!!

Last I heard you were cycling through NZ. Glad to know you survived with your little legs still working. Talking of legs I have just had ten days in the krankenhaus with a broken leg and ankle. A really bad job as I broke my leg and ran about on it for several days until the tibia split and my ankle slipped up inside it. Bloody painful and a long job to heal. Home now, but in a wheelchair and zimmer frame until 12 Dec when I go back to the hospital to have the screws taken out of my the bone and then back in plaster until end January. A pissing pain in the arse (leg).

Glad to now you are still in the world. Do you intend to stay in Honkers. You don't want to come back here or Blair and his cronies will have all your dough. You will soon have to pay a tax to have a fart before long. Incidentally I am pleased to see that you still have a good command of the vernacular.

All is very busy here at the pub. We have large plans for extensions and modifications which have been postponed due to the assholes who run the planning depts. As the building is so old, 14th century, you can hardly move without a planning or protection order, but we still manage to make a bob or two.

That's it for now. Send more before you off to OZ.

Regards - Ken

21/11/2000 - Kneth!!

What a speedy reply....must be because of your incapacity..your leg..not any of the others! I'd expected nothing from you until about 8th December.

Sorry to hear about the ankle/leg etc... what a hero you are, bravely soldiering on until nature (as Mother Nature does) bit back at you and in one jarring night of pain & misery repaid you for all the abuse you had inflicted upon you tired and weary body......oooops! sorry...slipped into a bit of Richard Attenborough or someone there... and still it goes on for another 10 weeks!! Poor old sod....no sympathy from me!!

I have to correct you on your memory....never got to go cycling round NZ.. since 1/4/2000 I've been retired here in HK, living with Janet, she goes and earns a crust each day, and I just play with anything that comes to hand!! I'll not bore you with the daily minutea except to say I've tried learning Java (crap language ?or rather the fact that it gets ?interpreted at run time?) and am now persevering with Visual Basic - better, but want to write Internet Applications - and finding the bits that allow that within VB is pretty difficult - anyway..that is proceeding..slowly.

Yes ? the Socialists ? bastards ? I was always anti-Govt, even back in the days of Maggie Thatcher etc.. ? I must say I prefer the HK laisez-faire attitude, but Blaire and his boys seem intent on making life ? Govt controlled/related in every small way possible. Do you see the same Polls/Analysis we see here from time to time ? showing that the HK society is the freest in the world?? Surely its whatever you want to prove, but I look at the USA and see it turning into a police-state.. land of the free??.. Bollocks!! I can remember jumping on a tourist/courtesy bus in California a couple of years ago, and the auto-recording played all the way during the 7 minute trip, saying all the things you as a passenger must NOT do? and of course finished with the obligatory? ?Have a nice day?, it felt like ?Big Brother? pontificating to the masses ? was that BB or the Pope??.

 I?ll stay in Honkers ? only one problem is the 6 monthly Visitor?s Visa. Thereafter.. I don?t know?. Don?t fancy UK/Northern Europe ? I honestly think I?ve become acclimatized to 20+ degrees ? like yesterday evening, the temp got down to 16/17 degrees ? and I put the heater on for the first time this year ? so Northern Europe winters are to be avoided. I?ve looked at a ?Retirement Visa? in Philippines ? basically US$ 50,000 gets you ?Permanent Residence? and you then use the money to buy a house/condo whatever ? and get it all back when you decide to become less ?permanent? ? but Philippines is such a bollixed up place ? I wonder if I?d be able to ignore all the cock-ups etc..?? Similar deal for Australia ? maybe that?s a better bet? Must check it out over Christmas/New Year.

Met up with Brian & Vonnie Stoate  a couple of months back ? they were transiting Singapore for a night, so I went down there (Janet was already there on business) and had dinner with them ? fun. Then a few weeks later Janet was in Phnom Penh on business and I went with her, and we went up to Angkor Wat and all the temples at Siem Reapp ? very enjoyable ? nearly trod on a 3 foot long snake though ? nearly shit myself!!

Have you noticed I haven?t commented adversely on the ?Wheelchair & Zimmer Frame??..yet!??

I?ll rub it in in another way?? I like walking around HK ? not in the streets, but up the hills? wonderful ? usually do about 25 to 30 Km?s per week?anyway a friend bought me those wrist and ankle ?training weights? (only 1 Kg on each appendage), and I decided to use them on one of my walks?.. did 18 Kms (all flat ? no uphill) and felt very healthy thereafter ? will continue with them?

Shame about all your renovation/extension plans, I remember from an earlier mail you were applying, and wanted to create a car park etc? maybe that?s one of the redeeming features of the UK?? Everything goes slowly, you become part of tradition without realizing it.

One of my pet projects is to win a Million quid on the UK Pools ? to date ? I?ve bet on about 5 weeks (1 Pound per time) and have won fuck-all!! But I?m sure you?re interested and will keep you abreast of developments.

I have all our earlier mails saved and was editing them to put them up on the Web ? for old 1900?ers to read - but you were so condemning and rude about so many people that editing overtook content ? I?m sure you will have lost them through lack of security, and I will zip them up and send if you are of a mind?.?

Whooops?. I do seem to have run on ? anyway I?m sure you?ve got nothing better to do than to read this drivel ? anyway, I?ll close now?..

Curls

05/02/2001 - Hi! 
Just a quicky before I go to the krankenhaus. Had some bad news last week after an X-ray. The ankle is not mending properly and it looks as though they will have to fuse the joint. Not good news - no more international squash for me. 
Glad to hear you have sorted your PC problems - what would you do without your window on the world???? 
Morton has left the village and moved to Felixstowe - the town was not big enough for both of us. He recently bought a holiday home in France, so he's alright . Bloody computer operators who get out of their true vocation............... 
 

Cheers - kJ 
   
06 Feb 2001 - Ken, 
Bad news - the old ankle - yes, looks like your international athlete role is over for another lifetime. 
Never mind, there are of course 'other sports'. I didn't find the ankle of much value when adopting any sort of rumpie-pumpie position - except of course where there was a footboard, and the extra leverage provided was of occasional value - bearing in mind (of course) that we "endowed" never needed much artificial help.  
Goodby to Morton - but I don't agree with your scathing comments about computer operators, as I remember us - we were the salt of the earth, fixing crap programmer's programs without expecting (or getting) any credit - great bunch of souls!! 
Janet's sister is here now, so I'm having to type this very quietly - she's taking a nap - having been traveling from Oklahoma to HK for the past 24 hours.  
I hope the 'fusing' etc  isn't too painful and that you start mending quickly thereafter,  I'd like to picture you skipping around like a little lamb...fat chance!! 
All the breast, 
 

Mike C 

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